The Lonesome Cowboy

The cowboy loved his horse. He rode it everywhere. If a cowboy had to go more than two feet, he got on his horse first. The cowboy was as lazy as they came when he wasn’t working. The cowboy loved his horse so much he would take a red-hot poker and burn a brand on it. It was an early version of tough love. Sometimes horses, not known for memory or smarts, would remember the branding and suddenly throw the rider and take off across the plains. This was known as a runaway horse.

Then the horse might go plumb loco. The cowboy would have to go find it. The horse, proving he was dumb, would be munching some grass and the cowboy would catch up to him. Then the horse went really loco if he got into some loco weed and the cowboy tried to rope him. Then the cowboy had to give in and follow the horse until the horse went down. Sometimes there’d be a fire in the loco weed patch. The cowboy often set the fire. Then he hung around for awhile.

Most cowboys had nicknames like Tall Bill or Pecos Bob. The fact is, according to the ranch records, they were all named X. This was a long time before Malcolm X too.Came payday, the cowboys lined up for their wages.“OK, make your mark,” the foreman would say as he paid the wages out.

“That's Big Bad Mark, boss.”

“I thought that was your brother.”

“Nah, boss, I ain’t my brother.”

The cowboy would ride into town on Saturday night to get drunk. He'd pull his reins in front of the saloon. No room to hitch his horse. He’d glance next door and see a spot open in front of the general store. Nope, too far to walk. He’d go around to the back and, nope, nothing there either. Back around to the front. He’d wait until someone left, either by being thrown out or shot out. Sometimes he’d be the one doing the shooting.

Here's a group of cowboys entering the saloon. They see a guy standing at the bar. He's wearing shiny boots; he's got tight, fancy pants on; he’s got a silk tie with a diamond stick pin. The guys got two pearl-handled revolvers. He’s standing with his back to the wall. This is obviously a dude from back east. Probably some sissy-boy who read one too many dime novels. Naturally, the cowboys would make fun of him. Right?

Naturally, they wouldn’t. They figured anyone dressed like that had to be good with a gun. They'd all sit nervously drinking with their backs to the wall. The dude would watch them watching him and realize they were the real thing. They looked like they were dragged into town by their horses. Time to go back to Brooklyn and stop reading those dime novels. If one of them challenged him, he might crap his pants. No one ever did.

The cowboy liked to play poker. The winners had more money and the losers would always keep trying. Being good at poker at one ranch didn’t make you good as poker players from other ranchers. The fancy pants would play, and the cowboys would suspect they were being cheated. They didn’t say anything no matter how drunk they were for fear of being shot. Fancy Pants never cheated ta poker for fear the cowboys would see it.

The cowboy owned one pair of pants and one shirt. He washed his clothes by jumping into a river or creek. He had a ten-gallon hat. He’d fill that hat with water for his horse and then drink after the horse. Got to take good care of the horse. The fact that the horse could drink from the stream on its own didn't matter. The horse didn’t like drinking from the hat. He knew where that hat had been. The leading cause of death among horses was drinking from ten-gallon hats.

Damsel in distress? The first time that happened was April 4, 1870. A cowboy, riding to find a job, spotted a damsel on a runaway buggy. He immediately galloped to the rescue. He managed to catch up to the carriage and leap on. He immediately fell and was run over by the buggy, which then went over a cliff. The cowboy quickly glanced around to see if anyone was watching. Then he’d report it but say he was too far away to prevent it going over the cliff. The sheriff would pretend to believe him.

There were ten men in the Old West for every woman. Subtract the wives and the daughters and the hideous women. That left one woman. Her name was Elvira. She was one busy woman. She was good-looking but walked funny. The cowboy didn’t care, but he didn’t lead a happy life.

Out on the trail, the herd was on the move for the day. Soon a cloud of dust was kicked up. The dust was so thick it was hard to see anything. Many was the time a cowboy would suddenly ride out of the dust and notice there were no cattle around. Dang, he’d think, I lost the herd again. He’d sniff the air and soon locate the missing herd. It was kind of hard to miss that much cow crap.

“Say thar, Nat, ya gets lost agin?”

“Nope, I was scouting the trail, if ya must know.”

Was there good money in it? Is that why the cowboy was willing to lead such a dull, boring life? No. The pay was a dollar a day and all you could eat as long as all you ate only biscuits, bacon, and beans. The cowboy worked rounding up stray cattle, branding them and driving them to the nearest market. That was when he worked. Except for the lucky few, it was not a winter job. Then the cowboy had to try to find work elsewhere. Possibly as a clerk in a store or cleaning saloons. If not, he’d find an old cabin and try to shoot a rabbit for dinner.

The lonesome cowboy sometime took up ranching with the 320 acres of land the government gave him. He’d buy a little bit of stock and hope for the best. If you had a good neighbor with a good number of cattle he might offer to run yours with his. Some cowboys became rustlers, If caught, they were hanged right then and there. No trial, no jury, no judge. They’d be four or so of them. One to keep the rancher from stopping them. If the rancher heard his cattle running he would come out and be shot at. Then he’d have cornbread and a few vegetables his wife had managed to grow.

A winter job meant living in a small cabin a log way from anything. The job was to check the line for loose horses. There wasn’t much else to do. It was why whores were so popular. The line rider had no place to spend money so, when he came back in the spring, it took a bvunch of whores. He had money and intended to spen iy on whores, drinking and playing cards.

The retirement plan for cowboys was dying.