Dickie Bird--- I hated going to the Military Police with no clue as to why,. I was pretty quick on my feet but it was always useful to know what they had on me.

The Lonesome Cowboy---Damsel in distress? The first time that happened was April 4, 1870. A cowboy, riding to find a job, spotted a damsel on a runaway buggy. He immediately galloped to the rescue. He managed to catch up to the carriage and leap on. He immediately fell and was run over by the buggy, which then went over a cliff.

Goodtime Charlie's Got The Blues--- Charlie started out the way all Blues singers did. He played at rat holes and dives. He was paid very little. He barely made enough to keep fed and have some kind of room to sleep in. As time went on and he matured with the Blues, he’d got better paying gigs. He was very good in those days

Like A Big Monkey On A Toilet--- . That would do the trick. He wouldn’t be able to explain it but, as an ape, he didn’t have to. It would just be one of those mysteries in life. Nothing seemed to embarrass humans either. They’d wear clothes to cover up and then wear them in a way to show as much as possible and still be dressed. That made no sense to Ivan.

Rodeo Clown--- The clowns stand on one side of the stall. When a horse or bull is released,they were to hang around to lead a horse or bull off or untie a rider all hung up in the rope. Sometimes the horse or bull will spot him and remember him. Then all Hell breaks loose. There’s no training for the clowns. They just get in there and hope for the beast.

The Hell’s Angels Come To Town --- The Chief wanted to talk to the leader of this pack of half-civilized animals. He couldn’t see anything that set one guy off from the rest except for the one drinking coke instead of snorting it. Oh, that has to be the leader. No one else in this crowd would have the balls to do that. The Chief carefully made his way over to that guy, being careful not to bump anyone. Never know what might jump off one of them. They probably are immune to most things but the Chief wasn’t.

Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo --- He glanced around the kitchen at what he had and decided to start with the deer he’d found a couple of days before. The deer didn’t look like it had been hurt and it didn’t look like it had starved to death. Mumbo Jumbo didn’t have any idea how the deer died and he didn’t much care, either. That deer was pretty ripe.

Who's Foolling Who --- The Secretary of State and the Secretary of Defense are supposed to advise the President on foreign matters. The truth is that neither one has any influence whatsoever with any President. The National Security Advisor has all the power. The only one the Advisor fears is the Director of the CIA since that’s where all the information comes from in the first place and might well kill you if you question them about anything.

Arlene and Lips--- Thank God Lip’s was was married to Arlene or he’d be doing time. Arlene was the only one who could settle him. He was like a puppy around her.

Manson Gets A Roomie--- He said, “Some people think I’m the Devil”
“So I hear. But I hear a lot of crazy stuff.”
“Crazy stuff? That’s one way of putting it. There might be a better way of putting it.”

How Would You Feel If--- Ok, now it s September and still no refund. He called the IRS to see what’s what. He got a actual person on the line. That was a shocker He told the story and waited for a response. He waited so long he almost hung up. He didn’t because it might take the whole day to get someone to answer, if they answered at all. He gave the agent his name and social Security Number He asked about his return and refund.

A Family History--- I had one great-grandfather who served for a while in the Civil War. He joined the Pennsylvania militia when Lee came North. At Gettysburg, he lost a hand trying to catch a cannonball. The cannonball took the hand and kept on going. He was known as “lefty” and “stupid.”

Einstein--- “Good morning, Professor Einstein. It is a genuine honor to meet you. Excuse me for not standing. Polio you see.”

“Ja, I heard you can’t stand on your own two feet. I come to you to tell you a warning of a bomb the Germans could be building. It’s a big bomb. It would be a real boom.”

Hank and Hogs--- He lined the men up a few feet apart and got ready to comb the field. The men were willing enough but weren’t happy about this idea. Hay fields would hide a man lying there as well as a snake lying there. There aren’t too many people who want to walk where snakes live. Certainly none of those kind were here.

The Elephants Take Control of Town --- The elephants didn’t understand Spanish and it didn’t mean a thing. They proceeded to play with car. It was a game with no rules and they were too busy destroying this “whatever it is.” Javier screamed a bunch of Spanish. insults at them. Luckily for him, they didn’t understand Spanish.

My Grandpap Was A Genius--- ---Down the stairs I went. It was getting painful. I peeked into the living room but no doors. That left the kitchen. Nope, no bathroom there! What is this? I needed to go. If I only needed to pee, it would have been no problem; a guy can pee anywhere. What I needed was a toilet, and I couldn’t find one. I had no choice but to ask.

The Wateringhole-- The creature everyone liked was the monkey. The monkey didn’t always drink from the hole. He was a tree creature and had other sources of water. He was loved for his good nature and sense of humor. He made the other animals laugh. Even the lion. Even the rhino, who hated to laugh. There was a time the monkeys were run off when they came to the hole. Then their bigger cousins, the apes, came down and straightened everyone out.

Appalachia--- The road was mud when it rained. For the little woman, in her 77 Chevy, it was the nearest thing to impossible. Many a time, Joe Bob had to hook the chain to her car and pull her out of the mud. The Chevy, not the little woman. When it was dry, the ruts would almost shake her apart. The little woman, not the Chevy.

Hippity Hoppity--- Two Wyatt Earp types said they do it and strutted over to the two dogs. Dogs don’t have what humans call creative powers. They can’t imagine. They can, however, leap for the soft underbelly. The first dog, Hey Dawg, hit a little low and removed his treasures. The second dog hit high and removed one of her nipples.

The Carny-Circus--- The lady with the beard got nowhere in this day and age. With the transgender crap, it was no longer worth paying to see.

Not Even Close To Heaven--- He put his trailer not up against the mountain. Instead, he put it straight on stilts. He was a couple of hundred feet up and was using braces. to hold the trailer in place. I could see the waste pipe coming straight down. It was stopped about halfway down. I also thought it must stink pretty bad. In the summer. It would have to be a bitch. Then again, maybe they got used to it. I wanted to pull over and take a picture of it. My wife advised against it, “You don’t actually know what this place is or how they'd react to it.”

Harry Hobo--- Harry went down an alley to avoid Jimmy. Got to a street, made a turn, made a few more turns, ran down another alley and came out on the street right where he started. Jimmy was standing there waiting for him. No matter which way Henry went Jimmy would be waiting for him.

Whispering Sam --- No one liked Sam that much so it was no surprise. The surprise was that few people saw a need to tell Sam out of politeness and the fact the he wouldn't hear it. Sam didn't hear just what he wanted to hear but he didn't hear everything you wanted him to hear either.

17 Years Since Last Confession--- “Yea, I know. That’s why I’m here,” the man replied. Was this guy actually a priest? “Anyway, I gave them up and got a year. When they get out they will spend all their time looking for me. It would be ugly, there being 4 of them and 1 of me. It wouldn’t be the money so much. They’d know that was gone. It would be the prison time.”

Independence Day---Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were in Jefferson’s room going over the draft of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin was reading it. “ Ah ha, inalienable rights. Hmm. Ah, all men are created equal. Tom, we don’t believe this stuff. All men are created equal? What about all the coloreds? We made slaves of them. We will never sell this to the people.”

Lancelot--- It got so boring that she began changing the story. The other nuns started applauding. The Mother Superior stopped the nightly confession. She was afraid the other nuns would have dreams, dreams they shouldn't have. She found herself watching the living quarters to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. This was a convent. Guinevere had good dreams herself. Lancelot was in them but Arthur wasn't. After just a little time the Mother Superior started taking long naps.

Ratty--- Ratty got by with his wits. Not all rats are smart. Some are stupid. They lived in the sewers. They had to hope no one tossed a baby alligator down the toilet. Baby alligators grew to be big alligators with big appetites and only source of food was sewer rats. Still, they persisted in living there. They thought of themselves as brave. All the other rats thought of them as stupid.

Marcie and Men--- “Oh. Well, if you don’t take your hands off me you won’t be able to move or shake anything for a long time.”

“Oh. Well, if you don’t take your hands off me you won’t be able to move or shake anything for a long time.”

Before The Passion Of The Christ--- Jesus knew he was faced with a hard day’s work of suffering and crucifying, so he took some time to relax with the boys first. He had a Passover dinner for them in the Upper Room. The Upper Room wasn't a five-star, swanky restaurant. It was more of a honky-tonk.

Junk Yard Dog--- They don’t shoot these animals so these must be the dart gun and, Yep, there are the darts. He grabbed a couple of them. He popped the guard off the end of one to see what-ouch!!He the woods surrounding the zoo. He slept for two days. He woke up wet, hungry and dart-less. OK, have to come up with another plan.

Hell -- Satan appeared at the dinning room, an unusual occurrence. Satan was a busy spirit, screaming at his demons to increase their quotas and arguing with that Other One about who was winning. That Satan was going to lose in the end didn’t matter. It was the game that counted. Satan was way ahead on numbers. Of course, the odds

CharlieB and the Train--- Charlie B was the kind of guy you didn’t want as a friend but it was easier to keep an eye on him that way. He had no scruples and would steal anything you had. Everyone wanted to kick his ass but only the Puerto Rican kids did. They got away with it by saying, “No comprendo.”

The Bear--- Tim went totally silent. The old saying “don’t ever get between a mama bear and her cub” was nonsense. You shouldn’t be in the same woods as a mama bear and her cub. Bears are sensitive about their cubs. They didn’t scare easily, or at all. Old Tim slowly and carefully looked around just moving his eyes. He hoped his eyes didn’t click when he did.

Motorcycle Man--- The crowd roared as he was introduced. They hollered and screamed. They yelled out and threw things. You’d think this was a rasslin’ match or a hockey game. The crowd was ready to rock. The crowd wanted to see the Duke do the rolling. The crowd was up! The crowd wanted to see blood, preferably the Duke’s.

Wolf Boy --- He said this looking at a female still nursing. Her response was,"to howl,“No. Hell no.” In the end, she did suckle the thing but not happy about it. When a male wolf came sniffing around she’d bite them.

Old Willie--- The aide on duty that night was passing by and saw him. She asked him if he’d been bit on the face by a bee. He explained why he did to her. She looked at him and went downstairs, probably to make a note in his file. They loved to make notes in your file for whatever reason. Probably to cover their butts in case something happened.

Safari Sam--- Bob would take them through the lush jungle, as the guidebooks always referred to it as. It actually was just overgrown scrub land but for what the client was paying, Bob easily convinced them it was a lush jungle. They either bought that or pretended they did. They didn't want to admit they were suckered.

The Rum Ration Ho Ho Ho The idea of a rum ration came from Christopher Columbus. His men weren’t about to sail off the edge of the ocean. Columbus gave them enough rum that they would not only sail off the edge, they’d try to. That’s how he could stay westward bound long enough to discover the route to India. He didn’t but that’s because he drank rum too.

Bypass--- Trust her? I have a choice do I? Damned if the second drug didn’t work exactly as she said. The minute may or may not have been true. It didn’t feel like a minute to Dan. It felt a lot longer.

Carl and Working--- In Derry Station you had three kinds of folks. You had a few well- off, like Squire Davis; you had some of the middle class; like the Sheriff; mostly you had the poor, like everyone else. There wasn’t any industry here. You had farmers, miners, and that’s about it. Most money was earned under the table. Barter was also used. Most folks just did without. Heck, wasn’t that much even if you had a little money

Gold--- Dennis came out and showed a nugget to Carl and Jimmy. Jimmy and Carl ran into the mine. They found a few loose pieces of gold or pyrite. Now, they got excited. Dennis may have found gold. They knew the owners would find out. They decided to take what they could carry and go far away to sell it.

Bad Blood From A Feud------ To these two, a fair fight was being able to walk home instead of lying in an alley. There was bad blood between them and no one knew why.No one cared why either. No one in the bar would sit to close no matter what. They made sure they where well out off a knife swing.

The Pope--- .They tried the Roman women but even the hookers turned them down. It was lucky they didn’t care for city life. The Pope, John Paul Peter And Matthew didn’t have to negotiate too often. Of, course, negotiability meant giving them what they wanted and they wanted a lot. What they used it for puzzled the Pope. There was nothing out here worth the journey to Rome.