Tribute to a Great Dog---When he goes out he always checks for toads first. If he doesn’t find one he then goes out into the yard and pees. If he does find one and it jumps he pees right then and there. He jumps three feet in the air as if he’s scared of the toad. That’s dumb. On the other hand, Jake doesn’t have any warts either.

Dickie Bird--- I hated going to the Military Police with no clue as to why,. I was pretty quick on my feet but it was always useful to know what they had on me.

The Lonesome Cowboy---Damsel in distress? The first time that happened was April 4, 1870. A cowboy, riding to find a job, spotted a damsel on a runaway buggy. He immediately galloped to the rescue. He managed to catch up to the carriage and leap on. He immediately fell and was run over by the buggy, which then went over a cliff.

Goodtime Charlie's Got The Blues--- Charlie started out the way all Blues singers did. He played at rat holes and dives. He was paid very little. He barely made enough to keep fed and have some kind of room to sleep in. As time went on and he matured with the Blues, he’d got better paying gigs. He was very good in those days

Rodeo Clown--- Sometimes the horse or bull will spot him and remember him. Then all Hell breaks loose. There’s no training for the clowns. They just get in there and hope for the beast.

Who's Foolling Who --- The National Security Advisor has all the power. The only one the Advisor fears is the Director of the CIA since that’s where all the information comes from in the first place and might well kill you if you question them about anything.

Manson Gets A Roomie--- He said, “Some people think I’m the Devil”
“So I hear. But I hear a lot of crazy stuff.”
“Crazy stuff? That’s one way of putting it. There might be a better way of putting it.”

How Would You Feel If--- He waited so long he almost hung up. He didn’t because it might take the whole day to get someone to answer, if they answered at all. He gave the agent his name and social Security Number He asked about his return and refund.

A Family History--- I had one great-grandfather who served for a while in the Civil War. He joined the Pennsylvania militia when Lee came North. At Gettysburg, he lost a hand trying to catch a cannonball. The cannonball took the hand and kept on going. He was known as “lefty” and “stupid.”

Urologist

The victim asked if this was going to hurt. Dr. Luddins told him it wasn’t going to hurt anyone but him. “I’ll tell you what. I won’t charge you my regular fee. Oh, Hell, I won’t charge you at all. How’s that?”

My Grandpap Was A Genius--- Down the stairs I went. It was getting painful. I peeked into the living room but no doors. That left the kitchen. Nope, no bathroom there! What is this? I needed to go. If I only needed to pee, it would have been no problem; a guy can pee anywhere. What I needed was a toilet, and I couldn’t find one. I had no choice but to ask.

The Wateringhole-- The other animals laugh. Even the lion. Even the rhino, who hated to laugh. There was a time the monkeys were run off when they came to the hole. Then their bigger cousins, the apes, came down and straightened everyone out.

Hippity Hoppity--- Dogs don’t have what humans call creative powers. They can’t imagine. They can, however, leap for the soft underbelly. The first dog, Hey Dawg, hit a little low and removed his treasures. The second dog hit high and removed one of her nipples.

The Carny-Circus--- The lady with the beard got nowhere in this day and age. With the transgender crap, it was no longer worth paying to see.

Not Even Close To Heaven--- He put his trailer not up against the mountain. Instead, he put it straight on stilts. He was a couple of hundred feet up and was using braces. to hold the trailer in place. I could see the waste pipe coming straight down.

Harry Hobo--- Harry went down an alley to avoid Jimmy. Got to a street, made a turn, made a few more turns, run down another alley and came out on the street right where he started. Jimmy was standing there waiting for him. No matter which way Henry went Jimmy would be waiting for him.

17 Years Since Last Confession---. When they get out they will spend all their time looking for me. It would be ugly, there being 4 of them and 1 of me. It wouldn’t be the money so much. They’d know that was gone. It would be the prison time.”

Independence Day---Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were in Jefferson’s room going over the draft of the Declaration of . Hmm. Ah, all men are created equal. Tom, we don’t believe this stuff. All men are created equal?

Gold--- Dennis came out and showed a nugget to Carl and Jimmy. Jimmy and Carl ran into the mine. They found a few loose pieces of gold or pyrite. Now, they got excited. Dennis may have found gold. They knew the owners would find out. They decided to take what they could carry and go far away to sell it.

Junk Yard Dog--- . He slept for two days. He woke up wet, hungry and dart-less. OK, have to come up with another plan.

The Grandfarther in Hell -- Satan appeared at the dining room, an unusual occurrence. Satan was a busy spirit, screaming at his demons to increase their quotas and arguing with that Other One about who was winning. That Satan was going to lose in the end didn’t matter.

The Rum Ration Yo Ho Ho It didn’t make them drunk enough to fight. The Admiralty solved this problem by announcing that the pirates kept huge quantities of rum on board.

CharlieB and the Train--- Charlie B was the kind of guy you didn’t want as a friend but it was easier to keep an eye on him that way. He had no scruples and would steal anything you had. Everyone wanted to kick his ass but only the Puerto Rican kids did.

The Bear--- Tim went totally silent. The old saying “don’t ever get between a mama bear and her cub” was nonsense. You shouldn’t be in the same woods as a mama bear and her cub.

Motorcycle Man--- . The crowd was ready to rock. The crowd wanted to see the Duke do the rolling. The crowd was up! The crowd wanted to see blood, preferably the Duke’s.

Wolf Boy --- He said this looking at a female still nursing. Her response was,"to howl,“No. Hell no.” In the end, she did suckle the thing but not happy about it. When a male wolf came sniffing around she’d bite them.

Safari Sam--- Bob would take them through the lush jungle, as the guidebooks always referred to it as. It actually was just overgrown scrub land but for what the client was paying, Bob easily convinced them it was a lush

The Sistine Chapel--- It was for Michelangelo to him to kiss the ring. Michelangelo never did that. The Pope could kiss his ass before that was going to happen.

The Pope--- Negotiability meant giving them what they wanted and they wanted a lot. What they used it for puzzled the Pope. There was nothing here worth the journey to Rome.

The Hell’s Angels Come To Town--- Oh, that has to be the leader. No one else in this crowd would have the balls to do that. The Chief carefully made his way over to that guy, being careful not to bump anyone. Never know what might jump off one of them. They probably are immune to most things but the Chief wasn’t.

Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo --- He glanced around the kitchen at what he had and decided to start with the deer he’d found a couple of days before. The deer didn’t look like it had been hurt and it didn’t look like it had starved to death. Mumbo Jumbo didn’t have any idea how the deer died and he didn’t much care, either. That deer was pretty ripe.

Like A Big Monkey On A Toilet--- He wouldn’t be able to explain it but, as an ape, he didn’t have to. It would just be one of those mysteries in life. Nothing seemed to embarrass humans either. They’d wear clothes to cover up and then wear them in a way to show as much as possible and still be dressed. That made no sense to Ivan.

The FBI, the Banker, and the Police Chief.-- The salary he received was one that he considered reasonable. The other siblings believed that he was a greedy son of a bitch.

Uncle Wally!--

“I’ve told you two that I’m not your Uncle. I’m your cousin. No. hold on here for a minute. I married your cousin. I'm not a blood relative, thank God."

“Yeah, Wally. Bring God into it. .”

Jury Duty --- I looked at the address and it didn’t seem right. The address was for Morrison Drive. The courthouse wasn’t on Morrison Drive. This place was in a bad neighborhood. Probably so everyone could walk to court. In this neighborhood, claims were settled by genfire and stabbing.

Bad Blood From A Feud------ To these two, a fair fight was being able to walk home instead of lying in an alley. There was bad blood between them and no one knew why.No one cared why either. No one in the bar would sit to close no matter what. They made sure they where well out off a knife swing.

There are people living on the edge in what is called Appalachia. No one thinks of them very often. these are the people who mined the coal that fueled the Industrial Age. They stay where they are because they love the area. They are hard workers when they have work and self-sufficient to an extent not known to "outsiders.”They are also very funny; they have a great sense of humor about themselves. They are the salt of the earth and the backbone of America. Their stories are America's stories. These are their stories.