Tribute to a Great Dog---When he goes out he always checks for toads first. If he doesn’t find one he then goes out into the yard and pees. If he does find one and it jumps he pees right then and there. He jumps three feet in the air as if he’s scared of the toad. That’s dumb. On the other hand, Jake doesn’t have any warts either.

Dickie Bird--- I hated going to the Military Police with no clue as to why,. I was pretty quick on my feet but it was always useful to know what they had on me. The old man came home right at four, scowled and pointed his thumb at the car. He always thought we were guilty, no matter what. That was reasonable but not fair. He didn't speak to us or anything like that. He never said anything to us. If we upset him he would say to Mom, “You better do something about those boys.” He was more worried about this than we were.

The Lonesome Cowboy---Damsel in distress? The first time that happened was April 4, 1870. A cowboy, riding to find a job, spotted a damsel on a runaway buggy. He immediately galloped to the rescue. He managed to catch up to the carriage and leap on. He immediately fell and was run over by the buggy, which then went over a cliff.

Goodtime Charlie's Got The Blues--- Charlie started out the way all Blues singers did. He played at rat holes and dives. He was paid very little. He barely made enough to keep fed and have some kind of room to sleep in. As time went on and he matured with the Blues, he’d got better paying gigs. He was very good in those days

Like A Big Monkey On A Toilet--- . That would do the trick. He wouldn’t be able to explain it but, as an ape, he didn’t have to. It would just be one of those mysteries in life. Nothing seemed to embarrass humans either. They’d wear clothes to cover up and then wear them in a way to show as much as possible and still be dressed. That made no sense to Ivan.

Rodeo Clown--- The clowns stand on one side of the stall. When a horse or bull is released,they were to hang around to lead a horse or bull off or untie a rider all hung up in the rope. Sometimes the horse or bull will spot him and remember him. Then all Hell breaks loose. There’s no training for the clowns. They just get in there and hope for the beast.

The Hell’s Angels Come To Town --- The Chief wanted to talk to the leader of this pack of half-civilized animals. He couldn’t see anything that set one guy off from the rest except for the one drinking coke instead of snorting it. Oh, that has to be the leader. No one else in this crowd would have the balls to do that. The Chief carefully made his way over to that guy, being careful not to bump anyone. Never know what might jump off one of them. They probably are immune to most things but the Chief wasn’t.

Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo --- Mumbo Jumbo already had the huge gumbo pot bubbling away with wild onions and certain other roots he’d dug up. He glanced around at what he had and decided to start with the deer he’d found a couple of days before. The deer didn’t look like it had been hurt and it didn’t look like it had starved to death. Mumbo Jumbo didn’t have any idea how the deer died and he didn’t much care, either. That deer was pretty ripe but Mumbo Jumbo couldn’t tell from the smell. Mumbo Jumbo hadn’t been able to smell anything since his college days when he’d sniff anything. Then he was young and dumb. Now, he was older and dumber.

Who's Foolling Who --- The Secretary of State and the Secretary of Defense are supposed to advise the President on foreign matters. The truth is that neither one has any influence whatsoever with any President. The National Security Advisor has all the power. The only one the Advisor fears is the Director of the CIA since that’s where all the information comes from in the first place and might well kill you if you question them about anything.

Manson Gets A Roomie--- He said, “Some people think I’m the Devil”
“So I hear. But I hear a lot of crazy stuff.”
“Crazy stuff? That’s one way of putting it. There might be a better way of putting it.”

How Would You Feel If--- Ok, now it s September and still no refund. He called the IRS to see what’s what. He got a actual person on the line. That was a shocker He told the story and waited for a response. He waited so long he almost hung up. He didn’t because it might take the whole day to get someone to answer, if they answered at all. He gave the agent his name and social Security Number He asked about his return and refund.

A Family History--- I had one great-grandfather who served for a while in the Civil War. He joined the Pennsylvania militia when Lee came North. At Gettysburg, he lost a hand trying to catch a cannonball. The cannonball took the hand and kept on going. He was known as “lefty” and “stupid.” He attended the 50th reunion of the Gettysburg battle. He was still pissed about the hand and damn near restated the whole fight back up again.

My Grandpap Was A Genius--- ---Down the stairs I went. It was getting painful. I peeked into the living room but no doors. That left the kitchen. Nope, no bathroom there! What is this? I needed to go. If I only needed to pee, it would have been no problem; a guy can pee anywhere. What I needed was a toilet, and I couldn’t find one. I had no choice but to ask.

The Wateringhole-- The creature everyone liked was the monkey. The monkey didn’t always drink from the hole. He was a tree creature and had other sources of water. He was loved for his good nature and sense of humor. He made the other animals laugh. Even the lion. Even the rhino, who hated to laugh. There was a time the monkeys were run off when they came to the hole. Then their bigger cousins, the apes, came down and straightened everyone out.

Appalachia--- Maybe now he could move the trailer to a paved road. If not, at least one had some gravel. Trying to drive through the mud was hard enough for him with his four-wheel drive. For the little woman, in her 77 Chevy, it was the nearest thing to impossible. Many a time, Joe Bob had to hook the chain to her car and pull her out of the mud. The Chevy, not the little woman. When it was dry, the ruts would almost shake her apart. The little woman, not the Chevy.

Hippity Hoppity--- The Animal Control officers called the ASPCA to come get the dogs. When the ASPCA got there, the Animal Control officers had decided they weren’t going to collar these two brutes. They asked the cops to get them. Two Wyatt Earp types said they do it and strutted over to the two dogs. Dogs don’t have what humans call creative powers. They can’t imagine. They can, however, leap for the soft underbelly. The first dog, Hey Dawg, hit a little low and removed his treasures. The second dog hit high and removed one of her nipples.

The Carny-Circus--- The lady with the beard got nowhere in this day and age. With the transgender crap, it was no longer worth paying to see.

Not Even Close To Heaven--- He put his trailer not up against the mountain. Instead, he put it straight on stilts. He was a couple of hundred feet up and was using braces. to hold the trailer in place. I could see the waste pipe coming straight down. It was stopped about halfway down. I also thought it must stink pretty bad. In the summer. It would have to be a bitch. Then again, maybe they got used to it. I wanted to pull over and take a picture of it. My wife advised against it, “You don’t actually know what this place is or how they'd react to it.”

Harry Hobo--- Harry went down an alley to avoid Jimmy. Got to a street, made a turn, made a few more turns, ran down another alley and came out on the street right where he started. Jimmy was standing there waiting for him. No matter which way Henry went Jimmy would be waiting for him.

17 Years Since Last Confession--- “Yea, I know. That’s why I’m here,” the man replied. Was this guy actually a priest? “Anyway, I gave them up and got a year. When they get out they will spend all their time looking for me. It would be ugly, there being 4 of them and 1 of me. It wouldn’t be the money so much. They’d know that was gone. It would be the prison time.”

Independence Day---Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, and George Washington were in Jefferson’s room going over the draft of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin was reading it. “ Ah ha, inalienable rights. Hmm. Ah, all men are created equal. Tom, we don’t believe this stuff. All men are created equal? What about all the coloreds? We made slaves of them. We will never sell this to the people.”

Lancelot--- It got so boring that she began changing the story. The other nuns started applauding. The Mother Superior stopped the nightly confession. She was afraid the other nuns would have dreams, dreams they shouldn't have. She found herself watching the living quarters to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. This was a convent. Guinevere had good dreams herself. Lancelot was in them but Arthur wasn't. After just a little time the Mother Superior started taking long naps.

Before The Passion Of The Christ--- Jesus knew he was faced with a hard day’s work of suffering and crucifying, so he took some time to relax with the boys first. He had a Passover dinner for them in the Upper Room. The Upper Room wasn't a five-star, swanky restaurant. It was more of a honky-tonk.

Junk Yard Dog--- He had no trouble breaking into the zoo. They were more concerned with keeping creatures in, not people out. He got into their supply rooms. These look like a gun. Well! They don’t shoot these animals so these must be the dart gun and, Yep, there are the darts. He grabbed a couple of them. He popped the guard off the end of one to see what-ouch!!He the woods surrounding the zoo. He slept for two days. He woke up wet, hungry and dart-less. OK, have to come up with another plan.

Rob Gets Worked Up Over Maid Marian And Does Something Stupid.-- . Robin Hood had to ask, “Rob, where did you get those clothes? You usually wear some raggedy old garbage you stole off a scarecrow. I hope you didn’t steal from one of the other men. They do not like you and would dearly love an excuse to, maybe, kill you. Nay, there is no maybe about it. They would like to kill you. They do not like you much. You are not a likable man, to say the least.”

CharlieB and the Train--- Mostly, people just didn't do anything to piss him off. Some people, though, got him worked up by just being their own natural selves. Charlie B was one of them. Charlie B was the kind of guy you didn’t want as a friend but it was easier to keep an eye on him that way. He had no scruples and would steal anything you had. Everyone wanted to kick his ass but only the Puerto Rican kids did. They got away with it by saying, “No comprendo.”

The Bear--- Tim went totally silent. The old saying “don’t ever get between a mama bear and her cub” was nonsense. You shouldn’t be in the same woods as a mama bear and her cub. Bears are sensitive about their cubs. They didn’t scare easily, or at all. Old Tim slowly and carefully looked around just moving his eyes. He hoped his eyes didn’t click when he did.

Motorcycle Man--- The crowd roared as he was introduced. They hollered and screamed. They yelled out and threw things. You’d think this was a rasslin’ match or a hockey game. The crowd was ready to rock. The crowd wanted to see the Duke do the rolling. The crowd was up! The crowd wanted to see blood, preferably the Duke’s.

Wolf Boy --- He said this looking at a female still nursing. Her response was,"to howl,“No. Hell no.” In the end, she did suckle the thing but not happy about it. When a male wolf came sniffing around she’d bite them. The males decided they had made a wrong decision and wanted to kill it. The she-wolf had now taken by the thing and was going to keep it. The males left howling at themselves.

Old Willie--- The aide on duty that night was passing by and saw him. She asked him if he’d been bit on the face by a bee. He explained why he did to her. She looked at him and went downstairs, probably to make a note in his file. They loved to make notes in your file for whatever reason. Probably to cover their butts in case something happened.

Safari Sam--- Bob would take them through the lush jungle, as the guidebooks always referred to it as. It actually was just overgrown scrub land but for what the client was paying, Bob easily convinced them it was a lush jungle. They either bought that or pretended they did. They didn't want to admit they were suckered.

Jury Duty --- I looked at the address and it didn’t seem right. The address was for Morrison Drive. The courthouse wasn’t on Morrison Drive. This place was in a bad neighborhood. Probably so everyone could walk to court. In this neighborhood, claims were settled by genfire and stabbing.

Carl and Working--- In Derry Station you had three kinds of folks. You had a few well- off, like Squire Davis; you had some of the middle class; like the Sheriff; mostly you had the poor, like everyone else. There wasn’t any industry here. You had farmers, miners, and that’s about it. Most money was earned under the table. Barter was also used. Most folks just did without. Heck, wasn’t that much even if you had a little money

Gold--- Dennis came out and showed a nugget to Carl and Jimmy. At first, they glanced at it and were going to tell Dennis the mine would have more than 1 nugget. Dennis said he found more but they didn’t look like this one. Jimmy and Carl ran into the mine. They found a few loose pieces of gold or pyrite. Now, they got excited. Dennis may have found gold. They knew the owners would find out. They decided to take what they could carry and go far away to sell it.

Bad Blood From A Feud------ To these two, a fair fight was being able to walk home instead of lying in an alley. There was bad blood between them and no one knew why.No one cared why either. No one in the bar would sit to close no matter what. They made sure they where well out off a knife swing.

The Pope--- .They tried the Roman women but even the hookers turned them down. It was lucky they didn’t care for city life. The Pope, John Paul Peter And Matthew didn’t have to negotiate too often. Of, course, negotiability meant giving them what they wanted and they wanted a lot. What they used it for puzzled the Pope. There was nothing out here worth the journey to Rome.