Old Willie

The thing Old Willie hated the most about being old and in a home was having to hang around with old people. They were whiny, senseless, forgetful and smelled funny. He figured he was the same way but that didn’t change the facts any. He was him and they weren’t.

Willie was looking for his teeth. He remembered having them after supper. He only wore then to eat. He took them out and set them in a glass of water. Now they’re gone. Maybe that nice aide took then to scrub them. Hope it wasn’t Pete that got them. Pete didn’t have any teeth of his own and liked to borrow other people’s teeth. Willie put a stop to that by hiding his teeth in the toilet tank. He had to wipe them but didn’t need adhesive and the food started tasting funnier than normal.. Pete was also bald and liked to borrow other people’s wigs, especially Lucy Barton’s flaming red one. It looked just as bad on Pete as it did Lucy.

Hope breakfast isn’t that mushy stuff, Willie thought. It probably would be better if he can’t find his teeth but he still wouldn’t be happy with it. They must be getting a huge discount on that crap. Maybe the pigs wouldn’t eat it. They were told that it was good for their digestion. Willie had serious doubts that the stuff was even digestible. It looked like it would be good for holding wallpaper on. It looked like it had already been eaten once. Trying to get an egg around there practically took a doctor’s order. Willie usually tried to sneak over to Mother Mary’s for breakfast. Her food was terrible but edible.

Willie looked at the bulletin board and saw that a church group was coming in to hold a bingo for the residents. Willie was undecided. He liked bingo but he wasn’t Catholic. He always felt like he’d picked wrong church. They were nice ladies and all but sweetness. Ten in the morning was sometimes too much for Willie.

Wait a minute! Was today his bath day? Willie took a quick sniff. Hmm, not too bad. Maybe not. Well, if it was he was sure some old biddy would raise a stink and he,d have to shower the stink off. That meant clean underwear too. They always took his old ones while he was showering. Nothing much got past the kids working here.

Uh, oh, Sunshine was on duty today. Sunshine is what Willie called her. She was always smiling and acting happy. No one could be that happy all the time unless she was nuts or on drugs. Willie didn’t feel comfortable around her. What if she suddenly went off like dynamite some morning. What if she did and Willie was in sight. Willie didn’t see himself getting out of her way any too quickly. Willie wasn’t as spry as he once was. Willie always gave her a cheery good morning. She worried him and Willie was a retired postal worker!

Willie decided to bypass the morning gossip/picture show. He’d seen all the new pictures of grandchildren. He went out on the porch to sit. It was a nice day for that. He carefully checked the rocker for wasps, bees, or any other stinging creature. He sat on one once and took a reaction. They had to take him to the emergency room. Doc Beane gave him a shot and told him not to worry. Willie knew Doc Beane and knew not worrying wasn’t the right thing to do when that doctor treated you.

“Pretty soon the swelling will go down. Then you’ll be back to having just two cheeks down there. Ha, ha, ha!” Doc Beane loved these old people. They were fun to deal with, it paid the rent and their complaints were always fluffed off as whining. If they died, no one would think lesser of him. Very funny doc, Willie thought. It’s not your butt in a sling, so to speak. On the other hand, maybe his pants will stay up for a while.

The next thing Willie knew it was lunchtime. His shirt was wet. Willie hoped it was sweat and not drool. Willie wasn’t going to have any of that. He saw that enough at the table. He had tried to take his food to hid room but the aides wouldn’t allow it .He stuffed cotton in his mouth once to see if that would absorb drool. It seemed to keep his mouth dry but made his face look puffy. Willie accepted that as a good trade-off. The aide on duty that night was passing by and saw him. She asked him if he’d been bitten on the face by a bee. He explained why he did to her. She looked at him and went downstairs, probably to make a note in his file. They loved to make notes in your file for whatever reason. Probably to cover their butts in case something happened.

Being a little late for lunch, Willie had no choice of where he sat. The only spot open was next to Slurpin Sam, the human hog. Sam would eat anything on his plate or anyone elses.. He ate with great relish. He snorted and slurped. Many of his table-mates lost their appetites. Sam would finish their plates for them. He’d pick up the plates and lick them clean. Then he’d let out an enormous belch, sometimes dry and sometimes not. Willie would have to eat fast before he lost his appetite. Eat fast and run as fast and as far as he could.

Willie went for a walk. He was careful where he went, not for fear of getting lost as for fear of getting bit by a dog. Somehow dogs seemed to know he used to deliver the mail. Everyone else could go by with no problem. Willie walked by and the dogs went nuts. Barking and howling and wanting to get at him. Willie wasn’t as spry as he used to be and didn’t want to try outrunning anyone’s mutt.

Willie checked the supper menu when he got back. Meatloaf. That was fine if Mrs. Mackey was the cook, not so fine if Mrs. Lopez was on tonight. Mrs. Lopez put spices in her meatloaf. The kind that was good if you had an asbestos lining to your throat and didn’t mind the huge farting. Willie always expected someone to keel over with a heart attack from Mrs. Lopez’s meatloaf. No one ever did but it would be exciting.

Not too much good on TV tonight. Stupid quiz shows that got the answers wrong half the time. Stupid sitcoms that got it wrong all the time. What this place needed was a good bar and a good pool table. Fat chance of either of those. To heck with it, Willie thought, I think I’ll call it a day and go to bed.

Willie thought. It probably would be better if he can’t find his teeth but he still wouldn’t be happy with it. They must be getting a huge discount on that crap. Maybe the pigs wouldn’t eat it. They were told that it was good for their digestion. Willie had serious doubts that the stuff was even digestible. It looked like it would be good for holding wallpaper on. It looked like it had already been eaten once. Trying to get an egg around there practically took a doctor’s order. Willie usually tried to sneak over to Mother Mary’s for breakfast. Her food was terrible but edible

Willie looked at the bulletin board and saw that a church group was coming in to hold a bingo for the residents. Willie was undecided. He liked bingo but he wasn’t Catholic. He always felt like he’d picked wrong church. They were nice ladies and all but sweetness. Ten in the morning was sometimes too much for Willie.

Wait a minute! Was today his bath day? Willie took a quick sniff. Hmm, not too bad. Maybe not. Well, if it was he was sure some old biddy would raise a stink and he have to shower the stink off. That meant clean underwear too. They always took his old ones while he was showering. Nothing much got past the kids working here.

Uh, oh, Sunshine was on duty today. Sunshine is what Willie called her. She was always smiling and acting happy. No one could be that happy all the time unless she was nuts or on drugs. Willie didn’t feel comfortable around her. What if she suddenly went off like dynamite some morning. What if she did and Willie was in sight. Willie didn’t see himself getting out of her way any too quickly. Willie wasn’t as spry as he once was. Willie always gave her a cheery good morning. She worried him and Willie was a retired postal worker!

Willie decided to bypass the morning gossip/picture show. He’d seen all the new pictures of grandchildren. He went out on the porch to sit. It was a nice day for that. He carefully checked the rocker for wasps, bees, or any other stinging creature. He sat on one once and took a reaction. They had to take him to the emergency room. Doc Beane gave him a shot and told him not to worry. Willie knew Doc Beane and knew not worrying wasn’t the right thing to do when that doctor treated you.

“Pretty soon the swelling will go down. Then you’ll be back to having just two cheeks down there. Ha, ha, ha!” Doc Beane loved these old people. They were fun to deal with, it paid the rent and their complaints were always fluffed off as whining. If they died, no one would think lesser of him. Very funny doc, Willie thought. It’s not your butt in a sling so to speak. On the other hand, maybe his pants will stay up for a while.

Next thing Willie knew it was lunch time. His shirt was wet. Willie hoped it was sweat and not drool. Willie wasn’t going to have any of that. He saw that enough at the table. Hw had tried to take his food to hid room but the aides wouldn’t aalo it.He stuffed cotton in his mouth once to see if that would absorb drool. It seemed to keep his mouth dry but made his face look puffy. Willie accepted that as a good trade off. The aide on duty that night was passing by and saw him. She asked him if he’d been bit on the face by a bee. He explained why he did to her. She looked at him and went downstairs, probably to make a note in his file. They loved to make notes in your file for whatever reason. Probably to cover their butts in case something happened.

Being a little late for lunch, Willie had no choice of where he sat. The only spot open was next to Slurpin Sam, the human hog. Sam would eat anything on his plate or anyone elses.. He ate with great relish. He snorted and slurped. Many of his table-mates lost their appetites. Sam would finish their plates for them. He’d pick up the plates and lick them clean. Then he’d let out an enormous belch, sometimes dry and sometimes not. Willie would have to eat fast before he lost his appetite. Eat fast and run as fast and as far as he could.

Willie checked the supper menu when he got back. Meatloaf. That was fine if Mrs. Mackey was the cook, not so fine if Mrs. Lopez was on tonight. Mrs. Lopez put spices in her meatloaf. The kind that was good if you had an asbestos lining to your throat and didn’t mind the huge farting. Willie always expected someone to keel over with a heart attack from Mrs. Lopez’s meatloaf. No one ever did but it would be exciting.

Not too much good on TV tonight. Stupid quiz shows that got the answers wrong half the time. Stupid sitcoms that got it wrong all the time. What this place needed was a good bar and a good pool table. Fat chance of either of those. To heck with it, Willie thought, I think I’ll call it a day and go to bed.

And hide my teeth.

They’re gone. Maybe that nice aide took then to scrub them. Hope it wasn’t Pete that got them. Pete didn’t have any teeth of his own and liked to borrow other people’s teeth. Willie put a stop to that by hiding his teeth in the toilet tank. He had to wipe them but didn’t need adhesive and the food started tasting funnier than normal.. Pete was also bald and liked to borrow other people’s wigs, especially Lucy Barton’s flaming red one. It looked just as bad on Pete as it did Lucy.

Hope breakfast isn’t that mushy stuff, Willie thought. It probably would be better if he can’t find his teeth but he still wouldn’t be happy with it. They must be getting a huge discount on that crap. Maybe the pigs wouldn’t eat it. They were told that it was good for their digestion. Willie had serious doubts that the stuff was even digestible. It looked like it would be good for holding wallpaper on. It looked like it had already been eaten once. Trying to get an egg around there practically took a doctor’s order. Willie usually tried to sneak over to Mother Mary’s for breakfast. Her food was terrible but edible.

Willie looked at the bulletin board and saw that a church group was coming in to hold a bingo for the residents. Willie was undecided. He liked bingo but he wasn’t Catholic. He always felt like he’d picked wrong church. They were nice ladies and all but sweetness. Ten in the morning was sometimes too much for Willie.

Wait a minute! Was today his bath day? Willie took a quick sniff. Hmm, not too bad. Maybe not. Well, if it was he was sure some old biddy would raise a stink and he have to shower the stink off. That meant clean underwear too. They always took his old ones while he was showering. Nothing much got past the kids working here.

Uh, oh, Sunshine was on duty today. Sunshine is what Willie called her. She was always smiling and acting happy. No one could be that happy all the time unless she was nuts or on drugs. Willie didn’t feel comfortable around her. What if she suddenly went off like dynamite some morning. What if she did and Willie was in sight. Willie didn’t see himself getting out of her way any too quickly. Willie wasn’t as spry as he once was. Willie always gave her a cheery good morning. She worried him and Willie was a retired postal worker!

Willie decided to bypass the morning gossip/picture show. He’d seen all the new pictures of grandchildren. He went out on the porch to sit. It was a nice day for that. He carefully checked the rocker for wasps, bees, or any other stinging creature. He sat on one once and took a reaction. They had to take him to the emergency room. Doc Beane gave him a shot and told him not to worry. Willie knew Doc Beane and knew not worrying wasn’t the right thing to do when that doctor treated you.

“Pretty soon the swelling will go down. Then you’ll be back to having just two cheeks down there. Ha, ha, ha!” Doc Beane loved these old people. They were fun to deal with, it paid the rent and their complaints were always fluffed off as whining. If they died, no one would think lesser of him.Very funny doc, Willie thought. It’s not your butt in a sling so to speak. On the other hand, maybe his pants will stay up for a while.

Next thing Willie knew it was lunch time. His shirt was wet. Willie hoped it was sweat and not drool. Willie wasn’t going to have any of that. He saw that enough at the table. Hw had tried to take his food to hid room but the aides wouldn’t aalo it.He stuffed cotton in his mouth once to see if that would absorb drool. It seemed to keep his mouth dry but made his face look puffy. Willie accepted that as a good trade off. The aide on duty that night was passing by and saw him. She asked him if he’d been bit on the face by a bee. He explained why he did to her. She looked at him and went downstairs, probably to make a note in his file. They loved to make notes in your file for whatever reason. Probably to cover their butts in case something happened.

Being a little late for lunch, Willie had no choice of where he sat. The only spot open was next to Slurpin Sam, the human hog. Sam would eat anything on his plate or anyone elses.. He ate with great relish. He snorted and slurped. Many of his table-mates lost their appetites. Sam would finish their plates for them. He’d pick up the plates and lick them clean. Then he’d let out an enormous belch, sometimes dry and sometimes not. Willie would have to eat fast before he lost his appetite. Eat fast and run as fast and as far as he could.

Willie checked the supper menu when he got back. Meatloaf. That was fine if Mrs. Mackey was the cook, not so fine if Mrs. Lopez was on tonight. Mrs. Lopez put spices in her meatloaf. The kind that was good if you had an asbestos lining to your throat and didn’t mind the huge farting. Willie always expected someone to keel over with a heart attack from Mrs. Lopez’s meatloaf. No one ever did but it would be exciting.

Not too much good on TV tonight. Stupid quiz shows that got the answers wrong half the time. Stupid sitcoms that got it wrong all the time. What this place needed was a good bar and a good pool table. Fat chance of either of those. To heck with it, Willie thought, I think I’ll call it a day and go to bed.

And hide his teeth.