Rodeo Clown

Slim Miller is a rodeo clown. They are now called bullfighters but, they aren’t. Who wants to fight a bull. When one of the cowboys gets thrown off a bucking horse or a bull, it’s the job of the rodeo clown to distract the animal so the cowboy can be hauled off. Great job if you can get it. You get to tease a pissed-off bull with long sharp horns. Not everyone can do a job like this, only dummies. Rodeo clowns aren’t brave and fearless. Rodeo clowns are goofy. Watch what they do and the word that pops into your mind is “goofy.”

Slim dreamed about being in the rodeo as a kid. His father took him to everyone within driving distance. At his first one, the smell of ripe horses and bullshit made him toss-up. His father laughed and told him, “Everyone does that their first one. It’s still embarrassing if that helps.” It didn’t. He got used to the smell. He dreamed of riding a bucking horse or bull or both. He didn’t know he’d be around the rodeo as something else. His father told him, ‘Being a clown is still a part of the rodeo. I get laughed at the bars and I don’t like that. It’s time to grow out of that”

Slim wasn’t always a rodeo clown. He used to be a bullrider. Actually, he used to be a bullrider or “try to ride her”. That sounded wrong. The horse weighs 900 pounds; the bulls come in at 2000 pounds. They both come in pissed. If he could have ridden the broncos and the bulls he wouldn’t be a clown. He couldn’t. He usually ended up coming off very quickly and breaking a bone. If not, he would come off quickly and re-break a bone. Depending on how much money he had on him a vet would set the bone right or pretty close. Slim could never afford a people doctor. The chances of his not being injured was 25 percent. He was usually not one of the 25 percent. Slim doesn’t make a lot of money as a rodeo clown. It seems like a lot but adding up everything, it isn’t.

The IRS auditors, seeing the difference between what he earns and what he pays to the vet, take up a collection for him. We all know what tight-fisted folks they are. The money is the difference between Slim slowly starving to death and starving to death quickly.

The clowns stand on one side of the stall. When a horse or bull is released,they were to hang around to lead a horse or bull off or untie a rider all hung up in the rope. Sometimes the horse or bull will spot him and remember him. Then all Hell breaks loose. There’s no training for the clowns. They just get in there and hope for the beast.

When Slim gets called on to save a cowboy he has to give the others time to haul the cowboy off. Slim always thought the bullriders were a little sissified. They needed help getting out of the ring by clowns. The bull or the bronco doesn’t care who it kicks the daylights out of as long as it’s a person. Slim runs around teasing the bull or the horse. He jumps around and waves things at it. He also has to do it so that the crowd is entertained. What Slim doesn’t know is that the crowd is on the bull or the horse’s side. They want the bull or horse to stomp the clown into the sawdust. They’re cheering the bull; they’re cheering the horse; they’re jeering the clown. That's it. Irritate the bull. If all goes well, Slim lived another day. Slim will get over the fence after the cowboy gets out of the arena and before the bull or the horse catches up to him. If things go well. Slim doesn’t realize that the bull or the horse only has to win one time. Just once. One mistake is all Slim gets as if being a rodeo clown isn’t a mistake in and of itself.

Girls! Yeah! Girls! They love the rodeo. What a great reason to be a rodeo clown. It should be but, it isn’t. The problem is that the girls don’t give a hoot in Hell for rodeo clowns. They love the cowboys. The cowboy is a heroic figure. He’s the star. The clown is a, umm, uh, a clown. The good-looking girls wouldn’t be caught dead with a rodeo clown. Even the ugly ones won’t go out with him unless they were really hard up. Even the dumb, ugly ones won’t go out with him. The cowboys, knowing that he might be the only thing standing in the way of their dying or living, would try to help him out. They didn’t try very hard. You would think that they would have the greatest respect for him. They should but they don’t. As Wild Bill Hancock says, “How can you respect a guy who can’t even get the ugly, stupid girls to go out without him for free?”

The only ones who respect the rodeo clowns are the promoters. They know what the clown does. Yes, they think only an idiot would make a living teasing pissed-off animals. But they do know that the rodeo clown is protecting their investment. Money talks just as loud in Rodeo-land as it does anywhere else. As the rodeo winds down for the day the bulls are all worn out and the horses have had it, as the cowboys are setting themselves up for the evening, as the rodeo groupies are getting fired up, the clown looks forward to another evening of lineament and loneliness. The promoter comes over to Slim and puts his arm around his shoulder and says to him, “Slim, I know you’re really dumber than wood, uglier than a whore so, I’m going to give you a bonus.” It was two dollars

Slim thought about joining the circus as a clown. After the r0deo, the circus seemed to be too easy. No horses to trample him and no bulls to stab him. Then he discovered that circus clowns got no more respect than rodeo clowns and were paid less. They also had to clean the outhouses.