The Old Cowpoke

“I want ya to listen to me. I ain’t gonna have no time once we leave to be doing’ no ‘explaining. If ya think ya horse is going over a cliff, don’t worry none. Ain’t no horse going to kill its own self. ‘Course, it might stumble but ya neva know when, so no sense worrying about it. Last year we lost a dude for that. He thought his horse was going’ over so he jumped off. The last time we saw him, he was still moving forward. He went right off the cliff, but the horse stopped right at the edge. No horse would go off a cliff, except maybe Old Bullet—he's a bit reckless. If he does, well, you might as well wave your hat and go down in a blaze of glory. The guy jumped off, but his momentum carried him over the edge.”

The dudes all looked at each other. Is this guy for real? Is this part of the package here? This guy looks a lot like Jack Palance in those Billy Crystal movies, but not as good-looking or as friendly. This guy was downright ugly. No one asked any questions. Everyone prayed, even the atheists. They figured that if there was ever a time to come to Jesus this was it. Inside of a mile, lots of butts were sore. Some were rubbed raw. The women were doing fine since they had ready-made cushioning. No one complained about it though. The only one to complain to was this ugly cowpoke leading them. He didn’t strike anyone as being one to accept complaints very well. He struck everyone as the type to give you something worse to complain about. The very worst thing was that they were paying him. Paying him and deathly afraid. How does that work? How smart were they? He finally stopped for lunch. “Vittles,” he said. For real, he said vittles. It was beans and jerky. Not that stuff you buy at the convenience store or at a bar when you’re drunk and toss back up when you drive home. This was real beef jerky. Well, it was jerky. The dude group assumed it was beef but with this guy, it could be prairie dog and the odds were that it was.

“Ah, this is the life. A man, a horse, and wide open spaces. Wish I’d been born 150 years ago. Maybe I got some of that reication.That a be great.What a life. Roundin’ up cattle, fighting Indians, wenchin’ and a drinkin’. You folks have it too soft, ya know? Well, you’ll learn a bit of the rough side this week. Heck, give ya something else to talk about in yer old age.” They rode on through the afternoon. They rode through a dust storm; they rode through a rain squall. The rain cleaned the dust off. Then the dust became mud and they wore it. Everyone was miserable. Everyone was trying to remember how this stupid idea got into their heads. The women were thinking about how stupid they were if this is the best vacation idea a man could think up. Must have been drunk at the time. That’s the only rational explanation for doing anything this irrational- marrying them and being here.

“You got something’ wrong with ya ears, boy? I said none of ya. Did I make some sort of exception for you? If ya think that, you are crazy as a cow in a patch of loco weed. Speaking of which, I don’t go for none of that either. I’m a light sleeper too.”

The guys were sitting off to one side. They were muttering. “We should kill this guy. I have a bad feeling about him. I think he thinks this is his last showdown. He's the only one here with a gun. Notice that?”

One of them said,“you have problems there, bub. Try to kill him and we have to bury you.” This from The brother -m-law of the the second guy, who was the first guy’s brother.

“No kidding? Do you have a bad feeling about a guy who is obviously insane? We can’t kill him. though That’s ridiculous,”another replied.

“We probably couldn’t get away with it. The girls can't keep from gossipping.This guy sure as Hell didn’t get to be as old as he is with that personality by being easy to kill”, said a third guy.

The first guy then commented, “The girls would probably warn him. They’d probably help him. Notice they didn’t complain about him telling us to stay away from them.”

“None of them did!”

“He wasn’t talking to us. He was talking to you, threatening you ,to be honest about it. Your wife just smiled. Your wife got problems there, bub.” This from the second guy, who was the first guy’s brother.

“Well, uh, well, if we aren’t going to kill him or do anything else we might as well get to sleep.”

“Yea, and remember- he sleeps light.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

The next morning they heard movement in the predawn. They ignored it at first, thinking the old cowpoke was guarding them. No one and nothing was going to sneak up on him. Soon they began to smell something very bad.

“Hey, it smells bad here. It was okay last night. It smells like shit burning.”

“How would you know what shit burning smelled like?”

“I don’t but if shit was burning I think this is what it would smell like.”

They all got up and moved towards the fire where the old cowpoke had coffee brewing. The closer they got the worse the smell.

“Say, old-timer, it smells like shit burning. I know it isn’t but-”

“It is shit burning. In the olden days, they didn’t always have wood to burn. So, they used buffalo shit for cooking and heating.”

“Yea, well, this ain’t, I means, isn’t the old days and they ain’t’, any buffalo around so what’s up with that?”

“Well, I like to make things as real as I can and this here shit is as close as it gets. Could have used my own shit as I usually do but I needed a bigger fire. Pour some coffee while I saddle the womenfolks’ horses. Ya can saddle ya own, I reckon. Be careful-”

One of the men picked up the pot by the handle and set it down again quickly. He tried not to scream and not to cry. He refused to look at his hand.

“Be careful not to pick the pot up with no gloves on. It’ll take the hide off ya. I guess ya know that now.”

“Nope. I usually just walk it off.”

The day was one miserable thing after another. It climaxed when they got to a stream. The old cowpoke told them to hold the horse’s heads up. If not, they’d start to drink and wonder downstream. “Horses are stupid. Don’t let them make you stupid too.” The guy already felt stupid for being here. Sure enough, one of the horses started drifting downstream. One of the men was riding it.

“Well, I guess he doesn’t listen too well. I’d a thought it would be one a the womenfolk, them being weaker an’ all. Well, it ain’t like he’s gonna go over a falls. Ain’t one a them nears here. Don’t look like rain so I reckon he’s safe from a flash flood. Or a lighten strike. Probably. They are excitin’ although a bit hard on ya. I guess the horse will get tired of being in the river and come out. Hope it’s on this here side.”

When they camped that night the guys had no appetite for shit-cooked food. They went off away and went to sleep. When the guys woke up the next morning the first thing they noticed was that the old cowpoke was gone So were the girls. There was a note pinned to one of the saddles. Seem to want you to go with them.

“Sorry, dudes. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do."