The Old Cowpoke

“I want ya to listen to me. I ain’t gonna have no time once we leave to be doing’ no ‘explaining. If ya think ya horse is going over a cliff, don’t worry none. Ain’t no horse going to kill its own self. ‘Course, it might stumble but ya neva know when, so no sense worrying about it. Last year we lost a dude for that. He thought his horse was going’ over so he jumped off. The last time we saw him, he was still moving forward. He went right off the cliff, but the horse stopped right at the edge. No horse would go off a cliff, except maybe Old Bullet—he's a bit reckless. If he does, well, you might as well wave your hat and go down in a blaze of glory. The guy jumped off, but his momentum carried him over the edge.”

The dudes all looked at each other. Is this guy for real? Is this part of the package here? This guy looks a lot like Jack Palance in those Billy Crystal movies, but not as good-looking or as friendly. This guy was downright ugly. No one asked any questions. Everyone prayed, even the atheists. They figured that if there was ever a time to come to Jesus this was it. Inside of a mile, lots of butts were sore. Some were rubbed raw. No one complained about it though. The only one to complain to was this ugly cowpoke leading them. He didn’t strike anyone as being one to accept complaints very well. He struck everyone as the type to give you something worse to complain about. The very worst thing was that they were paying him. Paying him and deathly afraid. How does that work? How smart were they? He finally stopped for lunch. “Vittles”, he said. For real, he said vittles. It was beans and jerky. Not that stuff you buy at the convenience store or at a bar when you’re drunk and toss back up when you drive home.. This was real beef jerky. Well,, it was jerky. The dude group assumed it was beef but with this guy, it could be prairie dog and the odds were that it was.

“Ah, this is the life. A man, a horse, and wide open spaces. Wish I’d been born 150 years ago. What a life. Roundin’ up cattle, fighting Indians, wenchin’ and a drinkin’. You folks have it too soft, ya know? Well, you’ll learn a bit of the rough side this week. Heck, give ya something else to talk about in yer old age.” They rode on through the afternoon. They rode through a dust storm; they rode through a rain squall. The rain cleaned the dust off. Then the dust became mud and they wore that. Everyone was miserable. Everyone was trying to remember how this stupid idea got into their heads. Must have been drunk at the time. That’s the only rational explanation for doing anything this irrational. That’s too much, that’s just too damn much.

One of theguys decided to take a look arouund.

"Did I make some sort of exception for you? If ya think that, you are crazy as a horse in a patch of loco weed. Speaking of which, I don’t go for none of that either. Oh, I’m a light sleeper too.”

The next morning they heard movement in the predawn. They ignored it at first, thinking the old cowpoke was guarding them. No one and nothing was going to sneak up on him. Soon they began to smell something very bad. They started gagging. It was like a rat sneaked in and died. Maybe a bunch of them. The old cowpoke was cooking bacon. Even he wasn’t going to eat rat. At least, that was the consensus. They walked over to the fire. “Hey, it smells bad here. It was okay last night. It smells like shit burning.” This was Randy, the smart one.

The old cowpoke said, “How would you know what shit smells like?”

“I don’t but if shit was burning I think this is what it would smell like. They all got up and moved towards the fire where the old cowpoke had coffee brewing. The closer they got the worse the smell.

“Say, old-timer, it smells like shit burning. I know it isn’t but don’t you smell it?”

“Nah. I ain’t been smelling anything for years. It is shit burning. In the olden days, they didn’t always have wood to burn. Ain’t no wood out on the prairie. So, they used buffalo shit for cooking and heating.” Sometimes it rained so hard even the wagon-master wouldn’t move. They had to stay indoors. It got a mite cold. So, you burn what would burn. Buffalo shit burns.” The ones walking went under the wagons. It was cold there too. Good thing for them, there was a lot of buffalo shit lying around.”

“Yea, well, this ain’t, I mean, isn’t the old days and they ain’t any buffalo around so what’s with this?” Randy asked.

“I told you what it was.”

“There aint no buffalo around. The only thing there is ,oh,ny,God. You didn’t-”

“Well, I like to make things as real as I can and this here shit is as close as it gets. Could have used my own shit as I usually do but I needed a bigger fire. Pour some coffee while I saddle my horse. Ya can saddle ya own, I reckon. Be careful. Them horses really don’t like being rode on. They sometime bucked on you and then run off. Sometimes it takes hours to find it.” Sometimes they kick you. That’s painful too.”

One of the men picked up the coffee pot. He didn’t care what it was heated up with. He needed coffee in the morning. He picked up the pot the handle and set it down again quickly. He tried not to scream and not to cry. He refused to look at his hand.

“Be careful not to pick the pot with no gloves on. It’ll take the hide off ya.”

“He needs first-aid. You have anything for burns?”

“Nope. I usually just walk it off. Of course, I know better than picking up a hot pot to begin with. I ain’t all that smart but I’m smart enough to know that.”

The day was one miserable thing after another. It climaxed when they got to a stream. The old cowpoke told them to hold the horse’s heads up. If not, they’d start to drink and wonder downstream. “Horses are stupid. Don’t let them make you stupid too.” The guy already felt stupid for being here. Sure enough, one of the horses started drifting downstream. One of the men was riding it.

“Well, I guess he doesn’t listen too well. I’d a thought it would be the sissy boys, to be honest with you. Well, it ain’t like he’s gonna go over a falls. Ain’t one a them nears here, that I know of but, I ain’t been here for awhile. Don’t look like rain so I reckon he’s safe from a flash flood. Or a lighten strike, probably. They are excitin’ although a bit hard on ya. I guess the horse will get tired of being in the river and come out. Hope it’s on this here side.”

When they camped that night the guys had no appetite for shit-cooked food. They went off away and went to sleep. When the guys woke u the next morning the first thing they noticed was that the old cowpoke was gone l. There was a note pinned to one of the saddles. They figured he was out finding wood since they didn’t like shit fires.

“Sorry, dudes, I’m old but I still got to go to town. I don’t want wake up as a sissy boy.”