Elephants

It’s hard to tell when an elephant is upset. You usually get stomped when an elephant gets unhappy. That’s why several people were badly stomped when the PETA people got them moved to a sanctuary. The elephants were satisfied right where they were. They were well-fed and watered. They did have to do those funny things in those funny dresse's but that wasn’t anything to bitch about. They got their regular food and peanuts and the occasional candy bar kids drop. One of their tricks was to wait until some kid came by and to scare the kids who dropped whatever they had.

The tigers were amused by it all. No one was going to get those elephants onto trucks, other than drugging them. There was no way to get a three-ton elephant on those trucks or do anything. The PETA people were very frustrated and then the elephants took a crap. The circus had to get them onto trucks when they moved on. They asked one of non-jailed tor what about the best way to do it.

“You’d have to ask the guy running the circus and he aunt here right now,” someone told them.

The Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey’s “Greatest Show on Earth” was an anomaly. They used actual animals instead of performers in animal costumes They don’t amuse anyone and are a bore.

Four elephants produce a copious amount of methane. You’d think it would would float away. That would be true in most cases, but not this one. It floated around knocking a lot of people down. Then it hit a guy smoking and was set on fire. The fire only lasted long enough to burn the burn everyone's hair off.

Now the other animals got upset, They made a hell of a fuss. The elephants also made a fuss about it. They took off and ended up going into a town. That was something they had only seen from their trailers. They went down the biggest path they saw. They blocked what little traffic there was.

Javier honked his horn at them. Yelling, ”ngsacar la mierda de mi camino.” It was a great, brave thing to do. It was stupid as well. His men got out of the car very quickly and ran away.

Javier yelled at them calling them cobarde. Then he noticed one of the elephants crapping on his car. One was standing on its back legs and bringing his front leg down on the car; a car Javier was sitting in. Javier made a quick, and close, exit and went the way his boys went yelling “Espera por mí.”

The elephants didn’t understand Spanish and it didn’t mean a thing. They proceeded to play with the car. It was a game with no rules and they were too busy destroying this “whatever it is. Javier screamed a bunch of Spanish. insults at them. Luckily for him, they didn’t understand Spanish.

The cops soon got to the scene. “Say, Chief, what are we supposed to do here? That chuckhole over on Simsom. One of these elephants crapped into one of them. Billy Barker hit it and there’s shit everywhere. The smell alone is gagging people,”t he cop told him.

“Do? We aren’t on Simson so we’ll have to avoid it for a while. We're supposed to run these elephants out of town. We aren’t going to do a thing. I’ll get the Fireman to get over here and, maybe run ‘em off with a hose. Let the Public Works Department worry about it, That’s their job anyway.”

“I don’t know about that. They’re all volunteers. I don’t think they had this in mind. I think they’ll stand here hoping they decided to go away on their own.”

The Fire Chief came over to the Police Chief. “What did you call me to come here? What am I supposed to do? I fight fires and you keep law and order. They ain’t on fire are they?”

“I thought you could turn your hoses on them and scare them out of town.”

“I ain’t going to try that. Maybe I’ll go out and bring the elephant guy out here to get them.” That ended that.

“And if they don’t? Going to lock them up? Then you’d have a jail full of circus people and still have elephants on the loose. Well, me and the boys are going back to the station house and stay there until they’re gone.”

The elephants got to the town pool and got excited. What a huge amount of clean water. They wondered where the dirt and crap went. That made them a little leery. The people there started screaming , trying to get away.Usually, the people had to be chased away, especially the kids. Burt Hamilton was the manager/cleaner of the pool. He wanted to run but was afraid he’d be the one caught. He did scream though.

Not knowing any better, one of the elephants went into the deep end. Elephants are big, but the pool was too deep. The elephants couldn’t swim. Where would they learn how? They couldn’t float. The one walked up the pool and found it wasn’t deep there. They were worried that they could see the bottom. They never did that before. The water was clean instead of filthy. They weren’t sure about that either. They all began to frolic and were having a good old time when the National Guard showed up.

Captain Sherry was the company commander. He watched the elephants playing. He wondered what he was supposed to do about this. He thought it was a joke when got his men together. It looked like the joke was on him. His men weren’t Regular Army. They weren’t happy, not happy at all. The Captain thought he might have an uprising no matter what he told them to do. That wouldn’t look good on his record.

Two of the National Guard were trying to make sense if this “What the Hell were we called up? We can’t shoot them. They didn’t issue ammo. We could bayonet them. Well, you could but I’m going to stab myself and call for a corpsman. They could bring in tanks but they can’t shoot towards the town. They can’t shoot at us. They would have to get real close to hit them. A lot closer than they’re willing to get once they see these things. They could easily crush a tank.”

“I see that. I don’t think they can shoot at us, but they still might. I’m going to try to outflank them by going through the Tim and Molly Bar. That could take a while.”

Lt. Owens walked over to Captain Sherry and said, “ I guess the nuclear option is off the table.”

What the Hell was this? Nuke these elephants? “We would be at ground zero. We would be gone in the first millionth of a second. All that would be left is those damn elephants.”

“Yea. Well, I guess I didn’t think that one through.”

“Nah, the ones pushing the button won’t be anywhere near here. I don’t think they would do that because of four elephants. Well, maybe.”

“Yea, I suppose. What if we get one of those big loops like you see dogs being caught.”

“Get a big loop? Where? Who has one of them that big?? If you did how are you going to get over their heads with them not catching on?”

Lt. Owens felt like he was making himself look foolish. “Well, if we-”

“Stop right there or I’ll court-martial you. I swear I will. If, and if we can’t, somehow, dio that without pissing the elephants off, what then?”

“Well, I was thinking we could put them on one of those big cargo plan-”

“And what? Where would we get one? I’m not asking anyone to bring one in and neither are you. Then, if we did get one, where would we land it? You see a big airport here? Where would it take them.They need to be back at the circus. Someone needs to get their ass in gear. Get someone from the circus here to handle this.”

“Umm, I hear Chief arrested the trainer. I don’t know as how that helps. Maybe you could declare martial law and let him go. Then, he could come down here and get these elephants out of our way.”

“Hmm,” the Captain thought. Arrest the Chief; turn the trainer loose and. If need be, beg him, to get those damn elephants away from town.

“OK. I want to be paid for doing it. I want to be paid a lot, seeing as how badly you want them out of your town. I want paid well. I want an apology and I want my elephants left alone.