When Man First Left The Trees

It was an accident is what it was. Doffus was showing off to the girls by swinging out of the trees into the savanna and swinging back in again with that idiotic grin that made people think he was a moron, which he was. The girls were laughing at him, Doofus knew, but they were paying attention to him. He figured some day he'd get lucky with one of them. The truth was that the girls thought he was an ass, and he was never going to get lucky. They said they would jump off a cliff first or become lesbians. As he swung out deep into the savanna, his hands slipped, and he went flying. Everyone screamed because to go into the savanna was to be eaten by something. Then they remembered who it was and shrugged it off. It was only Doofus.

Oldman, the oldest of the tree swingers called attention to the idea of “all for one and one for all." Everyone hooted at him, but he insisted that it was the people’s duty to rescue Doofus because he was “one of us.” They laughed at that idea, but Rockhead thought that Oldman was right. Big Cahunas couldn’t very well back down from a challenge to his manhood. If Rockhead was going out to the savanna to get eaten, then Big Cahunas was going too. Leaders in those days were as stupid as the leaders today.

Then Shorty, who always felt he had something to prove, and he always did, said everyone should go. This could have world’s first buffet and the end of mankind if things had worked out a little bit differently, such as a pride of lions, hungry lions, prowling around with Shorty at the rear.

Shorty jumped on a log and called out, “It’s time we left the trees and took a step-up in the world. It’s more than just these trees. We need to go out and show who’s boss. We need more than fruit. Not only that, but we are the chosen ones. I know Adam screwed everything up, but it's time to get over it.”

Wiseass yelled out, “Hey, Shorty, we know who’s boss. The lions, that’s who. They’re bigger, faster and have sharper teeth. What’s wrong with you? You have been hanging round that Doofus goof too long.”

Oldman piped in with, “I sense the truth of what Shorty is saying. We do need to step forward.” A good many of the people thought that Oldman had just lost his senses, to be honest about it. They didn’t want to go out into the savanna. No, that’s not true. They did want to go out there. What they didn’t want was to be eaten by lions.

Sexpot settled it by saying she was going and did any of the men want to join her. Join her? It was what they all dreamed about doing. Cats be damned. She boldly walked out into the savanna. The men followed her, though reluctantly. It was calm and you could see forever. There were only a few trees blocking the view. None of them knew they weren’t alone out there.

They could easily see where Doofus had broken grass. They decided to follow the tracks. They wished later they had brought something to hit with. They slowly made their way. It seemed Doofus wasn’t alone. There were tracks following his. They gave the party the creeps. The savanna wasn’t as empty as they thought. It may not be useless as they thought. Still, with only one tree, how many creatures could live here? They were to soon find out. They heard the roar before they saw what was roaring. It was a lion. They ran for the tree. They got there just ahead of the lion. Big Cahunas managed to grab an old tree limb. He whacked the lion on the head. It didn’t hurt the lion so much as surprise him. He thought it through and left. He’d hide and watch then for a while before attacking them. They looked like they should be an easy game. A watchful eye was called for.

Sexpot was very impressed. She impressed Big Cahunas that night, They were almost there when the Big Cat ate Sexpot and set Big Cahunas running. It was always fight or flight. Cahunas chose flight. There were other women but only one Cahunas. He used the excuse of living to fight another day. He never had another woman. They knew their place in his standing. Around him, they would always be standing, or running or being eaten by lions. The lions could outrun them, but they didn’t seem too smart. They did seem to be hungry all the time, though.

There was a terrible storm that night. There was thunder and lighting. The savanna was on fire, and they had to run like hell. Too close, and you’d pass out and end up charred. This gave them an idea. Some of the animals in the savanna didn’t make it. The clan feasted on them. It tasted pretty good. They took some embers and set a branch on fire and kept it going. They were very happy with the steak and ribs.

The idea of living in caves came from getting wet. They all hated that. They could also have as big of a fire as they needed to heat the place and keep the Big Cat out. The cat hurt their hunting, but they had to eat the same as the cat. The cat had the advantaged of liking to eat them while the cat tasted putrid to the people. They only ate one if they had to.

The men sent the woman out to gather fruit and hoped the cat was napping. They also went out when the hunters killed something. The women were to get the meat home. The cat, of coursed, was to make them into meat. All in all, life was a chancy thing at best. They couldn’t see why they were smart, but the animal seemed too always win. It was a puzzle.

Then they found out about God. He had ignored them for a while, but now he was back and he was pissed.