Funny Money

Be honest about it. When you look at the new design of US money, what's the first thing you think? Monopoly money. What's the next thing? Doesn't our new money, with the off-center pictures and the large, purple numbers, look like that stuff you get in a Banana Republic? Does it look like the designer was high on something? It doesn't look real because isn't real, of course. Our money isn't based on anything more than what we think, it's worth, not on what we really have. What we think has been nonsense. It's finally caught up to us, except in government. That's why the government is going to spend a trillion dollars we don't have to save an economy that isn't real.

You arrive in some Banana Republic and go straight to the money exchange. You hand over a thousand dollars of our funny money and get some of their funny money. You look at the stuff and think it looks like something that was meant to be put on a billboard or spray painted on a slum buildingsd. It doesn't look real. Then you look at the number. It's not something reasonable such as 50 or 100. It's always 50,000 or 100,000. You know there's nothing in this place worth a hundred thousand anything. You glance at the clerk and find she's looking at your money the same way. You feel insulted because you're an American and she's some dumb foreigner. She felt insulted because you can't buy anything here with a hundred anything. A cup of very cheap coffee costs 500 something and that's just for the coffee. sugar and cream are extra. They aren't real either.

Canadian money looks like a coupon from the newspaper. It has the face of Queen the on it. The Queen? They use the image of a foreign monarch to decorate their money? Maybe it has to do with the fact that we fought a bloody war for independence while the Canadians conned the Brits. Took a little longer but was a little less messy. Still, the Queen? When she dies, is the money still valid. No. It wasn't valid to begin with.

One of the great fun things about traveling to England used to be the money, or at least trying to figure it out. Loved Great Britain's "That'll be 5,8 and 3, guv". You gave him a pound and the change was 4,11 and 6. Or so he said. You'd think- OK, it's 33 pence to the shilling, 30 shilling to the pound so- just hand a bunch of money over and hope the clerk took the right amount. The clerk always did since the Brits are honorable. The Brits have an understated sense of humor so you didn't know until you left the country and cashed out and looked to see if there was laughter.

The Lire used to be colorful but absurd, One million lire for a breakfast. Again, the breakfast was lousy but what do you want for a million lire?

Joss money. Joss money is sold everywhere in China. You're supposed to burn it to please your ancestors. It looks as real as our money. Possibly more real except for the Chinaman in the center. Probably worth more. The more you look at it, the more real it looks. You think that you may have a lot of Chinese money that you can convert into a fair amount of American currency. You're a little excited until you go to exchange it. The clerk looks at the joss money and then at you. Then he hits the alarm for their version of a treasury agent. You get arrested for counterfeiting. The agent laughs and makes fun of you for making something so goofy and cheesy-looking. You don’t get it since he speaks Kung Fu instead of English like a civilized person. Getting arrested in China is exactly the same as being found guilty. You’ll have plenty of time to learn Chinese in prison .

Now you have the Euro. Being Europeans they would have this whole money thing figured out. You'd be wrong. The Euro is ten percent higher than the American dollar. That makes it ten percent less valuable. Since the dollar is worth only worth what we say it is, it means it's worthless. The Europeans have been snookered again. The English pound used to be worth 5 dollars. Now it's used as toilet paper here.

The Chinese yuan is worth 14 cents. I lose more change than that. Of, course the Chinese have been at it a lot longer giving a better idea on you to screw up its money. The Great Wall of China was built on worthless money but there wasn't anything to buy so it worked out. They used to have Confucius on it but the Confucius Club bitched so they put Mao's picture on it. No one was going to bitch about that; not twice anyway.

In the Arab world, it doesn't matter to them. They control the money. They pump black stuff and get whatever they want for it. They want a lot. Their poor live better than anyone else in the world. Even the Bedouins take the money instead insdtead actually taktaking it. They live great but all the fun went out of getting the money when they got off their camels.

Then there's Black Africa. They use animals for money. They really have it down. A lion is always worth a lion. No figuring it out. There's no haggling. If you offer too little they let the lion eat you. It draws a crowd and entertains the children so the adults can do their work or drink blood or whatever. The rain people don't have any money. You want something you take it. You may not get to keep it. A couple of poison darts can get you someone else's wife. If you don't perform well, you get the woman back and get to keep the darts. There's a real racket in that.

Then there's Mexico. They make a fortune out of helping people to become ‘secret’ Americans. It keeps Mexican restaurants affordable. Their workers live out back and get food for their work. It’s a step up.

Altogether, money is always what you think it is.