God Gets Bored

God was as bored as bored can be. The universe was a dark, silent place. There was nothing to do. There was nothing to see. The Angels used to talk among themselves. After a minute or so, they realized they had nothing to talk about. They were in a dark, silent universe. Satan tried to get the angels to overthrow God. Nothing happened since there would still be nothing. The angels didn’t know it was dark, never having seen light or thought of such a concept. They didn’t know about sound, either. They conversed silently by thinking. It was easy because no one had anything to say except God and that was mostly him bragging about his power to create. He lorded it over them. They were beneath him. He knew what Satan had tried to do and he’d pay for that.

Suddenly, God yells out “Hallelujah!” The angels became all flustered. They had never heard sound before. They were terrified. What was God up to? They looked at him and saw him smiling. That upset them more. No angel had ever seen that. The Lord pointed to, well, nowhere and everywhere. It didn’t matter. When he pointed, the universe lit up like a Roman candle. Now the angels went ballistic. What was this? God pointed again and sound came on. The noise startled the angels and they just about lost it all right then. God had to explain it to them. He created this. He wanted something, and this was what he tried first. He could create. Wow! Next, he exploded the light and put on quite a show for the lower class. There were things coming out the angels had never seen before. God told them, get used to it. There’s going to be some changes made around here. Oh, and Satan, “I know what you tried to do. We’ll settle-”

“We’ll settle nothing,” Satan said.

“Oh, go to Hell.” Then God realized he hadn’t created a Hell. Satan made fun of him, saying he had no power over anything. He did put on a good show. Some of the other angels started fighting. Michael went to God and got command of the angel army. Then he tossed Satan out. There was no place to put Satan so God closed his eyes and made Hell. Even Michael thought that was going a little too far, but he wasn’t God and didn’t want sent there. He had nothing to compare it to, but he knew it was horrible. He felt a little uneasy until God told him,“Don’t worry about it. You’ll have to guard the Gates of Hell but you aren’t going in there... for now.”

Satan yelled, “I’m going to win this whatever it is. I’m gonna kick butt and then…?” Then the battle started and Satan felt himself falling. The place he landed was all fire, which hurt. He learned his lesson The place was hot, very hot with fire and something called brimstone. Some of the other angels started fighting. Michael went to God and got command of the angel army. Then he tossed Satan out. There was no place to put Satan so God closed his eyes and made Hell. Even Michael thought that was going a little too far ,but he wasn’t God and didn’t want sent there. He had nothing to compare it to ,but he knew it was horrible. He felt a little uneasy until God told him, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll have to guard the Gates of Hell, but you aren’t going in there... for now.”

Now he’d have a place to see creatures to worship him to could be tested about Hell. God loved looking at his creation. He had stars and moons and animals. The animals he really loved. He thought there was something missing. The animals he was creating were nice to look at, but they were not smart. Some made a lot of noise and scared other animals away. There was nothing worth his attention. They didn’t worship him or knew he existed. He needed something that knew he was around and worshiped him. These animals just weren’t going to cut it. Michael suggested he create a creature that could think and an opposable finger. Then, he could make him have a choice to worship or not. This would be a good test and help populate Hell. God thought that would work. Then he asked Michael, “Why aren’t you here instead of guarding the Gates of Hell?”

He decided on a creature in their image. It wouldn’t scare the animals hen it wouldn’t scare the animals when they saw the creature on his knees and making noises. He’d put the upkeep in the hands of this creature. As is, this planet he called Earth, was not really designed well. He’d let this creature free reign and see what happened. He called the creature Adam. There was no reason for that name but he liked the sound of it. Soon enough, God found that this creature was stupid and he was lazy Michael the Archangel advised God to give some time to learn. The creature doesn’t know what he is, much less what he’s supposed to know. God nodded his head and said, “Michael, do I have to glue you to the front of the Gates of Hell?”

God decided to make what he was going to make man by the dirt of the earth. It would show Adam that he was a man not an angel. He could have kept quiet about the angels but man might think he was the next to God thing. Man would have to prove that first. God wasn’t going to be too hard on man since the angels were around all the time. They knew about God; they knew about Hell; they were afraid of him. God didn’t want puppets worshiping him from fear alone. He’d take fear alone but it wasn’t what he wanted. He now had to decide what he did want from man. Man needed rules to break and get sent to Hell. He knew what man was going to do but wanted man to think he was making the decision. God knew but didn’t want his minions to get a step up. He wanted love but would take fear. He created man and told him to take care of the earth. It would be a big undertaking but it was what it was. If it was too much he’d give him a helper. He’s make both of them happy with that one. God decided to wait and see.

Satan disguised himself as a snake. That really fooled God. He watched as Satan tempted the female helper, who was was suckered into eating from the Tree of Life. Nothing happened. Eve didn’t so much as fart. Satan couldn’t believe God was going to let this pass. Satan slithered back to Hell and was allowed to tempt man-kind into sin. Satan had to figure out what went wrong. Yes, Eve wasn’t effected. She gathered a couple of the sweet fruit to take home to Adam. He’d like them. “Eve. We were told not to eat from the Tree of Life. Why would you do that. God’s going to be pissed off.” Eve said God wouldn’t know. Adam wasn’t too sure of that.

“So? I did and nothing happened. A big macho man afraid I can do something that he’s afraid to do. That it?” It was, but Adam wasn’t about to show it. He told her he didn’t like fruit.

“Then stop call I only calling me your little plum.”

“That different. I only call you that when-”

“It’s going to be different now,that’s for sure.” She then walked away in a huff.

Then Satan showed up again, crawling after God took his legs. He had to slither around. He didn’t look like all that much but Hell wasn’t a salon. He had to get Adam to east that fruit. Attacking his manhood didn’t work for Eve. Satan would have to resort to bull-shitting. He hadn’t been in Hell long enough to know if he could pull that off. Well, not trying wouldn’t successful. He started swinging from one branch to another. Back and forth he went. Adam watched him, Then Adam stared feeling sleepy. Wow, Satan thought. He was just try relaxing Adam, not put him to sleep. He wondered if he was that boring. Adam snapped out op his nap and asked Satan what he wanted. Satan thought Adam had acted funny but couldn’t quite figure it out. “Why don’t you eat from the Tree of Life? God told you not too because he didn’t want you to learn what he really was. Then you’d be as powerful as he is as powerful as God when he ate the fruit. If he did he’d have feet and not be slithering around. Of course, Adam was new so he might not have it all down correctly.

Then the thunder starting rolling in with the lightning flashes and wind. They knew that God was coming to walk and talk with them. They looked around to make sure things looked right. Then they saw they were naked. They jumped into some bushes so God wouldn’t see that. God called to then and they didn’t respond. God wanted then to come to him and not have to use his power to make them. He called again with less gentleness in his voice. As he stood there, Adam and Eve came out holding branches covering parts of their bodies. God asked them why they were doing that.

“Umm, you see, we’re naked and-”

“How would you know you are naked?”

Adam didn’t understand the question. God knew everything. He should know how they knew.

God told them he had only asked Adam to not do just one single thing and yet he did. He told them to get out of the Garden. He told them a lot of things were going to happen after they leave. Adam and Eve didn’t understand what work or pain or children were. God had a lot of teaching to do with his latest creation./