Hippity Hoppity

Hippity Hopitty was waiting for his dealer when this tatty, beat-up, ancient pickup rolled by and two dogs riding in the back barked at Hippity Hopitty. They really let out a howl. They sounded like a pack of wolves jumping on a herd of sheep. Hippity Hopitty liked to jump out of his skin when he heard that. He thought he might have crapped his pants too. He got real pissed off, real pissed off. Ain’t no honky, gray-meat dawg gonna do no bawling at Hippity Hopitty. He started shooting. Three of the shots hit the two men riding in the truck, causing them to crash into a pole. They were ejected right through the windshield. Emergency Medical personnel rushed them to Roper Hospital. The police said the gunshot wounds were minor and the accident injuries were superficial. The shooter had left the scene before the police arrived. A witness described what happened. He said the shooter fled the scene

Naturally, the experienced cops wouldn’t fall for that. The dealers would tell him to be at a certain dumpster, at a certain time, and put the money, in an envelope, next to the dumpster. Then he was to put both hands on his head and wait. After a while, Hippity Hopitty would feel a sawed-off shotgun at the back of his head. He’d be told that if he so much as coughed both barrels would go off and he’d never need to cough again. Then the dealer would take the money, count it, and tell Hippity Hopitty to wait while he went and got the goods. Sometimes Hippity Hopitty would wait and not get the drugs. Since he was a rip-off artist, he figured that was just life. He knew too that if he bitched about it, he’d be headless.

Hippity Hopitty missed the dogs but got both the rednecks in the cab. Well, he got them in the head actually. Despite the police report, one, or both, of them were driving at the time. The gunshot wounds, after the doctors talked to them, were considered inconsequential because they were headshots. The accident injuries were superficial since they were born looking that way. The doctors said they’d love to see their DNA chain...or maybe not.

The news needed a filler. and I suppose it was better than: “Demonstration in Central Park turns bloody as 100 tourists were injured when tey walked through the doggie section.”

Hippity Hopitty figured the cops would put the blame on him if they spotted him since he was black and the guys he shot were rednecks. It’s always the black guy’s fault, always. The rednecks didn’t start it and the dogs were allowed to bark at anyone they wanted to, especially if they wanted to bark at a black man. He left the scene.

The Animal Control officers called the ASPCA to come get the dogs. When the ASPCA got there, the Animal Control officers had decided they weren’t going to collar these two brutes. They asked the cops to get them. Two Wyatt Earp types said they do it and strutted over to the two dogs. Dogs don’t have what humans call creative powers. They can’t imagine. They can, however, leap for the soft underbelly. The first dog, Hey Dawg, hit a little low and removed his treasures. The second dog hit high and removed one of her nipples.

The police said that Hippity and the two rednecks wsere to be considered, “armed and dangerous.” Citizens should not try to apprehend them but notify the police. Not the Charleston Police since they aren’t going near those bad boys.

Wentworth knew, just knew, Hippity Hopitty was the shooter. “ Man, we got the bullets. I’m gonna frisk him every chance I get. He either has to get a new gun or I have him,” Officer Revenal told Officer Wentworth.

“ Who’d be stupid enough to keep carryin’ a gun that was hot?” Wentworth asked.

“Who? Hippity Hopitty, that’s who. The guy’s stupid, real stupid. Ain’t gonna be no chump-change concealed weapon charge. He’s gonna do big time, this time.” Over at Roper Hospital, after the doctors found out that the two ER patients looked like they did all the time, released them. The bullet wounds were minor, they were headshots. They shook their heads and thanked God they had better genes than that. I’d like to see the genetic codes of those two. I’d bet even money it isn’t human,” one doc said.

The two victims, Riley and Harper Lee, were pissed off. Lost the truck and lost the dogs. Pappy was going to be raisin’ Hell with them for sure. “Ah’d like ta find the un thet dun shot us. Caused us ta wreck Pappy’s truck and lose his’n dawgs,” Riley said.

“Us’n? Ah weren’t doin’ no drivin’. Ah was doin’ some ridin’. Yeah, you be the one whet wrecked the truck an’ lost them dawgs. Pappy goin’ a skin ya fer thet. Don’t go tryin’ a blame none a this awn me, ya heah?”

We’uns brothers. Brothahs gotta stick together.”

“Pappy gonna take a big ole stick and whomp ya hahd, thet’s whet. Ain”t gittin’mah hahd whomped cause ya wrecked his truck”

Ah was shot in tha hahd! Ah didn’t do et deliberate like”.

“Wahl, yea, thet be so. Pappy hittin’ yah up alongside yah hahd also be so. Ya hahd, not mine.”

The first officer on the scene was attacked by the dogs.

At Roper Hospital, the doctors were trying to keep the now ball-less cop from adjusting his med drip to high. He didn’t want to leave the hospital alive. No reason to. None at all. The other officer was being attended to by a dozen doctors, all male and all trying to push their way to the front. It was a female doctor saying,“I can put a new one on that no one could tell wasn’t real. I wouldn’t even charge you for it. I’d do it for, umm, community spirit,” one doc told her.

“I’d pay you to let me do it for the evidence,’’ one young surgeon upped the ante. A fellow officer of the victim arrested him for solicitation. He knew what the doc meant but this cop had a thing for her.’’ The young surgeon’s protests that he was being misunderstood got him 90 days, suspended by a merciful judge. His wife proved to be a lot less merciful, the heartless, jealous gal.

Forensics was there photographing her injury for possible evidence. Some of the cops were photographing her injuries to add to their collection. “Hey! You aren’t with forensics!” she yelled.

“Uh, no, I’m, uh, his backup,” one of them told her.

“You take another picture and I’m going backup your butt with my nightstick,” she told one of them.

“Come on, babe, how about a big smile,” one cop said.

“How about a 40 caliber enema?” she told that one.

. In another cubicle, the doctors had to sedate the male cop to keep him alive. As they injected him, he asked for a triple dose. “It’s not like I want to wake up, you know.”

After he went under the doc held a confab. One suggested sewing two marbles in and telling him they had drawn up and now dropped.

“Bunk! Maybe if we put a couple of stainless steel ball bearings, he might go for it. If not, let’s show him how to adjust his drip,” another suggested.

“Where are we going to get ball bearings?” an intern asked.

“Son, you ever heard of hardware stores? Have you ever heard of the low man on the totem pole? That would be you,” a surgeon replied.

“God, I hate dogs!” he said as he left.