Lancelot

The Knights of the Round Table were sitting at the round table in a blue funk. They had spent the summer chasing after the Norsemen, or the North men, or the Vikings, or whatever they called themselves. The raiders were attacking, looting, and pillaging the English coast. The Knights of the Round Table were the sworn protectors of the realm. Now, they were being sworn at. They had chased the Vikings but had not defeated them. Or fought them. Or, seen them.

The first reports of the raids came from Although-on-Goughhalli. The Knights, led by Sir Lancelot, galloped to the rescue. Arriving at the scene of the raid some two days later all they found was a bunch of burned houses, barns, and unhappy people. They were told that the Vikings had left in their boats and gone south. South! The Knights had come from the south! They must have passed right by them! Sir Logic pointed out that there were no signs on the water, which was just as well since if they went into the water with all their armor they would drown. Sir Lancelot thought that over for about one second and told Sir Logic," Oh, shut up! Even an idiot knows that. Come, let us mount our trusty steeds and chase this enemy right to the gates of Hell.!” Sir Logic said to Lancelot," Oh, shut up.”

All summer they chased these Vikings. Never saw them. The Knights went south, and the Vikings went north. The Knights went north, and the Vikings went south. The Vikings finally went home and the Knights went back to Camelot. As they rode in they noticed there were no cheering crowds. Some of the people looked on the verge of laughter. This put the Knights into a blue funk. As Sir Galahad remarked," I guess you're only as good as your last fight.”

The other Knights said in unison," Oh, shut up!”

The King refused to reward them. "I did as much as you did and you don't see me rewarding myself now do you?"

Here they sat with little to cheer about. There sat Sir Gwain, a monstrously big man. A warrior. Undefeated in the games as he was in battle. Bravest of the brave. Sir Gwain rode a big, black charger. It was the biggest horse in the Kingdom. The only drawback was his voice. Sir Gwain had the voice of a girl, a very young girl. A high-pitched, squeaky voice that caused much merriment amongst the other Knights. It got so that he wouldn't speak to them. He wouldn't even speak to his wife. She didn't seem to care, the heartless bitch. A real blue funk Seated next to him was Sir Black. Sir Black thought with his name he should have the big, black charger. He never said anything since King Arthur frowned upon disputes among his Knights. That and the fact that Sir Gwain would rip his spleen out if he did. No, Sir Black said nothing. It did add to his funk, though.

The White Knight was chagrined at this whole state of affairs. Sitting next to a phony like Sir Black was almost more than he could bear. The man never bathed, not even once a year like civilized people. Sir Black smelled like a ripe carcass. The White Knight thought he'd try to get a few of the guys to go with him In Search of the Holy Grail.

Arthur sat on his throne with Guenivierre seated next to him. He was in the bluest funk of all. Tax time was coming up and the people were devastated by the raids. No kind, loving, benevolent ruler could collect taxes at a time like this. Arthur could though. It was either taxing the poor or taxing the rich and he knew that old saying,," Birds of a feather flock together.” If he taxed the rich they would rise up in arms. The poor couldn't do anything so there you have it.

He glanced over at his Queen sitting there pretending to read a parchment. Arthur didn't believe she could read or write. He wasn't positive about that since he couldn't do it either. That is what he had scribes for. She would read something and then glance at Sir Lancelot. Read and glance. Arthur didn't like it a bit. He'd challenge Lancelot but he didn't have a death wish. He sometimes wished it had been Lancelot who got the sword out of the stone instead of him. Arthur wouldn't be King but he wouldn't be married to Guenivierre either. Curse that Merlin.

Merlin, of course, sensed this and didn't care at all. He wasn't in a blue funk. The fact is he was as happy as ever. He had the power without the responsibility. He was rich without working. As far as women went, Lancelot had a lot of leavings. Yes, all in all, Merlin was happy. He stepped out onto the balcony and gazed down at the dazed Knights. He glanced at the Queen. She looked up at him and winked. Yes, she was happy too. She wouldn't be for long. The White Knight was about to get his wish.

Guenivierre and Sir Lancelot had a thing going on. Being the Queen was a fun thing. Being Queen with King Arthur wasn't that good. He was stupid, boring, and unattractive. She could live with the first two but the third one was more difficult than she thought it was going to be.

Along comes Sir Lancelot. He was worth her crown for him. She was careful where she met him. They met in the Chapel, a place the King would never go. They had a torrid affair while it lasted. She should have treated her ladies-in-waiting better. They knew about the affair. Though they didn't care they still gossiped about it. That got back to King Arthur. It made him very angry and decided to put Guenivierre in a convent. "Off to a convent with thee!”

He sent Lancelot away. He couldn't kill him. The people would revolt if he did that. He decided to send him on a quest for the Holy Grail but Merlin assured him didn't exist. The White Knight asked to go along. The King was pleased at that. The White Knight was a stickler for rules. Lancelot would get away with nothing with the White Knight around.They both decided that the other one wasn't worth it if this was the result.

The convent scared Guenivierre to no end. She would have to take orders instead of giving them. She'd be scrubbing the floor and praying several times a day. That would be on a good day. Lancelot also knew the was no Holy Grail. His plan was to live in the forest but Arthur sent the White Knight with him to be sure he traveled the rest of his life. The White Knight loved to travel and loved the whores. All he had to do was pay them and ride a horse.

Guenivierre's first day was worse than she thought. She had to wear an old smelly robe. She was bitched at for everything she did. The Mother Superior knew why she was there and disapproved, really disapproved. She made Guenivierre scrub the entire convent on her knees. Then she made her tell the other nuns what she had done. This was every day. It got so boring that she began changing the story. The other nuns started applauding. The Mother Superior stopped the nightly confession. She was afraid the other nuns would have dreams, dreams they shouldn't have. She found herself watching the living quarters to make sure everyone was where they were supposed to be. This was a convent. Guinevere had good dreams herself. Lancelot was in them but Arthur wasn't. After just a little time the Mother Superior started taking long naps.

Sir Lancelot would stop in every village and ask if they had the Holy Grail. The usual response was, "If we did we wouldn't be living this way. What the Hell's wrong with you?” Lancelot would smack the man across the face with his metal-clad glove. The entire village would pull him off his horse and toss him into a privy. The White Knight made a heads count and waited for Lancelot to climb out and go to the well for water to wash the crap off.

Arthur was in a blue funk. Lancelot was his only friend. That says it all about Arthur. He considered sending for Lancelot. If he did, he'd have to bring Guenivierre back too. He'd have to have a long talk with Merlin about that. Merlin showed up late and, as always, made a grand entrance. King Arthur didn't like Merlin but he didn't like anyone. People had a certain amount of fear of Merlin. It was widely believed he had the power few men had. He did. It was built on rumors and outright lies. Merlin encouraged this fear.

Arthur, you will go down in history either way. So will they. You have gained nothing by your actions. Act like a big boy and bring them home. I would, however, have to assign Guenivierre a Eunuch. You don't have to be stupid. Now, I'm going down to the village tavern. I don't have to concern myself with your kind of problem.”