Marcie and Men

Marcia was finally on her own. She tossed her husband out. Her friends finally realized that she could handle her life without their help. That’s what they told her. They didn’t ever see that. Her taste in guys wasn’t very good. She’d been through the “Let’s get a good man back into her life” faze. Marcia was single again.

Marcia had dinner warming in the oven as it got to be later and later. Finally, at ten o’clock, she called Greg’s office to see when he’d be getting home.

“Didn’t you get my note? I left you- oh, wait a minute. I still have the note in my pocket. I’m not coming home anymore. It’s time for me to move on to bigger things.”

“You’ve left me for a fat woman?” she asked. Be just like him. Anything to spoil my day Her friends came to the rescue. They didn’t want Marcia to feel as if she was a failure because her husband left her. Marcia didn’t but they didn’t believe that. They knew that women always thought that. They were raised on Dear Abby. They tried to get a good man in her life.

The first was an over weight salesman. Marcia thought there was a subliminal message to that one. The salesman was polite and friendly. He talked about himself all evening. He talked in between bites. He ate all evening. Marcia hoped he was a very good salesman who made a lot of money. God knows what his bill came to, but it had to be a whopper.

Next was the weightlifter. He tried to impress Marcia by carrying her into the restaurant. She was so shocked that she couldn’t react fast enough. Everybody stared at them. Then, he dropped her. Everyone laughed. Everyone but Marcie.To say the evening went downhill from there wasn’t an accurate description, but it’ll do

The computer programmer took the cake. He spoke a language that only resembled English the way Chinese resembles English. Marcia didn’t understand a word he said.

He kept taking off his glasses and wiping them on his pants. His face was all red because his tie was too tight. Marcia reached over and loosened it for him. Later on, she thought she should have taken the opportunity to strangle him. After talking computerese all night, he made a pass at her. Marcia responded to that by taking off his glasses and throwing them into the street.

“Hey, I can’t see! Where's your throw my glasses?”

“Well.” Marcia told him, “I guess you can speak English when you want to.”

The lawyer wasn’t as bad. Granted, he started out with a strike against him just by being a lawyer. You can’t trust any of them. Then he interrogated her. That’s right, he interrogated her. His idea of conversation was to find out the truth about whatever she said. She finally started lying to him just to get throughout the night. She knew she’d never date him again. She might use him in the divorce settlement, though. He’d put her husband to the wringer. That’s for sure.

On her own now that her friends had either given up or been bitched at, bitched at enough, Marcia accepted a date with a chiropractor. He seemed nice and didn’t talk about himself all night. He was in good shape without being a fanatic. He ate a hearty but balanced meal. He was good-looking without the vanity. He seemed interested in what Marcia had to say without being overly inquisitive. He was almost perfect. Too perfect. Marcie knew he was trying to charm her into bed.Marcia went to the ladies room and then sneaked out the side door and got a cab home. He scared the daylights out of her. Marcia figured anyone that perfect was either a serial killer or an android.

The cop was regrettable news. He was convinced that Marcia was either a hooker or wanted to be one. That’s what he dealt with all the time. He couldn’t quite believe that all she wanted was an enjoyable evening in the company of a nice man.

He tried to seduce her or something. Marcie couldn’t figure that out.“Hey, maybe you should become a nun. You ain’t real, lady. I mean, I spent a lot of money on you tonight.”

“So sue me. I can give you the name of a good lawyer if you want.”

The singles' scene at the bar wasn’t to her liking either. All the men thought that all the women were there to get a guy to go home with them for the night. All the guys figured Marcia was just one more drink away from them getting lucky. Most of the drinks were poured onto the floor. At the end of the night, Marcia went home alone and the guys passed out in the restroom.

“Hey, baby, you and I could make beautiful music together,” one guy told her as he put his arm around her waist.

“You a musician?” she asked him.

“Musician? No, I’m an investment counselor. I’m a mover and a shaker in this city.”

“Oh. Well, if you don’t take your hands off me you won’t be able to move or shake anything for a long time.”

Church groups weren’t any better for meeting men. Marcia suspected that it wasn’t the purpose of the groups, but she also figured the men there wouldn’t be hitting on her either.

Wrong, of course. Churches are where sinners go to make peace with God. It doesn’t guarantee anything. The men there were a little more polite about it, but the end result was the same. It would be the same if they had their way, which they didn’t.

“Franny, are all men like that?.” she asked her friend at lunch.

“Marcia, all men are twits when it comes to women. They can’t decide if they want us to be sweet little partners or whores. All men are twits.”

“All men? Your father? He’s a twit?”

“Well, no, not Dad. He’s a saint. What kinds of question is that?”

“Your brothers? They’re twits.”

“My brothers? Yeah, they’re twits. I like their wives better than I do them.”

Marcia wasn’t too worried about it all. She was an independent person and had a career. She didn’t have to have a man in her life. She didn’t need to have a man to share her feelings with. She didn’t have to have a man to love and love her in return.

Franny’s husband, another twit she supposed, had a friend in town for the evening. Would Marcia like to go out with him.

She was getting tired of the whole thing but, “OK. I’ll wear my Mickey Mouse outfit.”