The Pope                

Pope John Paul Peter And Matthew was sitting on the Throne of Christ muttering to himself. He did that a lot. The guy was 92 years old and had what today is called senior moments. Then it was called Old Man Muttering To Himself. He had just got some more bad news

The Bishop of Chatrrey, had announced that he was actually the Pope and that John Paul Peter And Matthew was just a doddering old fool who muttered to himself. John Paul Peter And Matthew thought he had every right to mutter to himself. Things weren’t going well for the Church. Fortunately, The Bishop died soon after.

The English had kicked his boys out or hanged them. That was bad enough but it also meant the money went to the King instead of Rome. It cut the income by ten percent. He’d have to cut either his expenses or cut the charities. The Cardinals and Bishops could take a 25 %cut. The Vatican Treasurer told John Paul Peter And Matthew that he’d have to wear his gold and silver inlaid robe for another year, maybe two years. The Pope couldn’t figure that one because he only wore them on Easter Sunday. One of the many odd church doings. The Barbarians were at the gate again. There was no satisfying them. Give them a nickel and they wanted a dime. Dimes were getting scarce but they didn’t care. They were always a troublesome lot. They were usually filthy and smelled bad. They tried the Roman women but even the hookers turned them down. It was lucky they didn’t care for city life. The Pope, John Paul Peter And Matthew didn’t have to negotiate too often. Of, course, negotiability meant giving them what they wanted and they wanted a lot. What they used it for puzzled the Pope. There was nothing out here worth the journey to Rome.

Pope John Paul Peter And Matthew gave some thought about excommunicating the Barbarians but that didn’t work with the English so he didn’t bother. He also doubted they were actually Catholic. He figured that was another ruse. He broke open the crystal piggy bank and gave the Barbarians their protection money. Pope John Paul Peter And Matthew thought about giving the job up. It wasn’t worth the hassle anymore. The Curia then told him he couldn’t do that. He had to stay Pope until he died.“What?! I’m the Pope. I make up the rules, not you.”

“Yes, Your Holiness, but if you quit it would start a dangerous trend. God will send you to Hell.”

“Oh. What if I changed the rule too?”

“Then you could also be fired. You know who wants your job.”

“Oh, right, him. I’d die first and I really don’t want to go to Hell.”

The “you” was Cardinal Ricci. No one knew how he became a Cardinal. No one knew how he became a priest. No one knew if he was one. He showed up one day saying he was a Cardinal. No records showed he wasn’t. It was pretty flimsy but the Church couldn’t keep up with everyone. They had trouble recording all the hanged ones in England. John Paul Peter And Matthew longed for the old days when there was just the one church. That Martin Luther sure screwed things up. He made it possible to be a Christian without the Pope. Why didn’t we buy him off like we do the Barbarians? It would have been easy to shut Luther up. They only needed to say he was right and then ignore him. The people didn’t really care. To them, it was another fuss. They always ignored that. Luther would have taken the nickel. He was so poor he’d have taken that nickel and disappeared. But no, they all said. Give in to him and every priest will want money to live on. There would go the vow of poverty.

“Well, we don’t live in poverty,” the Pope told the Curia.

“We’re not priests anymore. We’re the top dogs. We have to maintain an image. You want people to think the Church is broke?”

“We are broke”, John Paul Peter And Matthew said.

“Yes, but no one knows it and we’re not telling them.”

It also would have been easy to keep the Eastern Church from breaking off. They wouldn’t have said that Rome could piss off. The split wasn’t going to change. Give the various Patriarch’s a Senate to be set up. The Pope would still be in charge.

John Paul Peter And Matthew had lots of reasons for muttering to himself. He decided to go to the Sistine Chapel and pray for wisdom. When he got there, he looked up at the ceiling. he remembered how Michelangelo was cheated out of his fee. Now, he was really depressed.

The Pope rose on his own at around 4:30 am. and spendt the next two hours praying, meditating on the Scripture readings for the day and preparing his morning homily. He delivers it off-the-cuff at the 7 am. Mass in the Sistine Chapel. Then he came the business of reading and signing of papers. He didn’t like this at all. He had better use for his time. Ricci was shown in with a priest carrying a bundle of papers.

“You Holiness, it’s office hours.”

“How many times do you think you’ve said that since I became Pope? You seem to think I’m senile.”

“No, I don’t think that,” Ricci said. He did.

“You know that lying is a sin. Yet, well, let’s get at it.” He started his daily office hours starting with Cardinal Ricci. The papers he signed were a bore. He transferred priests, endorsed new parishes and so forth. Then he noticed how quickly Ricci was putting the papers for him to sign on his desk. “Cardinal Ricci, give those papers back. I want to read them.”

“They’re just the normal dull things. Why waste your time with this?”

The Pope knew that wasting his time was what Ricci did most. He began reading them. They were dull and boring. Then he read one that wasn’t dull or boring. He glanced at Ricci , who was sweating. The paper changed Church law to having the senior Cardinal be the Pope. That would make Ricci Pope. Ricci was lucky but not that lucky. The Pope couldn’t make that big a change if he wanted to and he didn’t. The Church would be up in arms and he didn’t need that sort of problem.

Ricci next brought up the solvency of the Church. He told the Pope the Vatican needed a lot of money. He suggested charging an admission fee to visit the Sistine Chapel. The Pope laughed. “We aren’t going to do that.” People didn’t have a lot of money. Even a copper coin was too much to spend on visit the Sistine Chapel. They didn’t have prayer of paying it. They used everything but money as their contribution to the Church. The Vatican was noisy with the sounds of chickens and pigs. A pig would be the offering of an entire village for a year.

The Pope was getting tired of Ricci. “Cardinal Ricci, you will go to your apartment and stay there until for you. Understand?”

“Yes, your Holiness.”

Ricci left the Pope muttering to himself. He simply chuckled. He couldn’t actually do anything to Ricci. He could but the whole Church would be up in arms and he didn’t need another Martin Luther.