Speaking of Rats

Ratty was staring at the dead cat, deciding whether or not to eat it. It was really getting ripe. The smell alone was enough to turn your stomach, unless you were a rat. He was wondering what the cat died of. He thought it would be hilarious if it was rat poison. It would still make him edible but also kill you, but you can’t have everything go your way. That gave him a chuckle. It didn’t matter anyway, just so long as the cat was dead. Dead cats can’t sneak up and pounce on you. They also make a delicious meal, unless poisoned. Oh, they were still yummy but then you died too. Then a rat would eat you and die and so on. It’s a never-ending circle. Dead cats are a lot better than some of the garbage a rat ate although not by much.

Ratty had eaten so much rat poison he was immune to it. It was one of nature’s little quirks. After breakfast of ripe cat, Ratty went down the alley to one of his hangouts. He walked there instead of scurrying. Scurrying seemed classless and undignified. Along the way, he saw a colony of mice building a nice little nest. Mice are sort of like rats except smaller, less aggressive, and less frightening; they were sort of sissy rat wannabees.

There were a large number of rats gathered in the basement of this apartment building. There was an argument going on as to whether it was more fun to tease a cat or a pest control guy.

“Listen, you make a mistake with a cat and you’re gone, ”one rat said.

“D-E-A-D gone”, said Grover. “Not all cats are like Tinkerbell.”

All the rats laughed at that. Tinkerbell was Mrs. Simpson’s cat. It was fat and stupid. On top of being slow, it was afraid of rats. It was afraid of mice! Every rat in the neighborhood had teased this cat at one time or another. It was a game to them. The apartment manager couldn’t figure out why the rats liked Mrs. Simpson’s apartment so much. He spent all her rent money on pest control. Mrs. Simpson was very clean and the rats came there to see what Armageddon would look like. It was always depressing. They take a few young rats there as a lesson in life. “Do too much and this will be your future.” Some of the young rats would cry.

The pest control guy could never see a rat but saw evidence they had been around. Rat crap always tells the story. He also wondered about that cat. What kind of rats hung around where a cat lived and were never seen when he got there to kill them? He always felt bad about not keeping the rats out, invisible or not. He still sent a bill to the landlord, though.

“Hey, Ratty.”

Ratty looked to see his friend Longtail grinning at him as if he’d just stolen the cheese from a trap. That was another enjoyable game. Ratty and Longtail had spent a lot of time doing that. It was great when you won but hell on wheels when you were a little too slow.

“Hello, Longtail. What’s up?”

“I hear they have some fresh vermin down at the docks. I thought we could go see if there’s anything new we could pass on to the humans. We haven’t started a plague for a long time. I think they’re overdue.”

“OK, but we need to be careful. We get rid of all the humans and there won’t be any garbage to pick through. Remember, we need them more than they need us. Actually, they don’t need us at all.

As they went along to the docks they spotted another friend, Doofus. He was easy to spot since he had a mousetrap on his leg. He was dragging it along behind him. He apparently had got caught, hence the name. Humans think that rats are going for the cheese but it’s just a macho game for rats.

“Say there, Doofus, that trap makes getting around a little tough, don’t it?”, Ratty said.

“Yea, it does. I’d like to get it off but can’t figure a way out of it.”

“Well, you know, the only thing to be done is to chew your leg off. Longtail and I could do it for you if you like.”

“Oh? I don’t know as I could do that. Sounds like it would hurt.”

“Well, like you’re dragging that thing around when a real cat comes after you?”

“Well, if you’re positive it’s the only way.” Ratty was positive it was the only way.

Down on the docks Ratty and Longtail sat on a crate and watched as the immigrant rats scurried down. Immigrants always scurry until they get comfortable. One of them jumped up on the crates. The three of them sniffed away at one another. It was the rat way.

“Whew! You smell terrible. You smell like you took a bath or something,” Ratty said with disgust.

“Yea, it rained on me and I haven’t had a chance to get dirtied up,” one of the immigrant rats told him.

“Well”, Longtail told him, “there’s a sewer over there. Better get some odor on you before you head into the city. Otherwise, some gangsta rat is going to mess you up bad.”

After that rat left, Ratty and Longtail went on board. They ran into a couple of rats they knew and went to a cheese crate.

“Wow!”, Ratty said, “this cheese is really ripe.”

“Well, it’s been a long trip”, was the reply.

Ratty got by with his wits. Not all rats are smart. Some are stupid. They lived in the sewers. They had to hope no one tossed a baby alligator down the toilet. Baby alligators grew to be big alligators with big appetites and the only source of food was sewer rats. Still, they persisted in living there. They thought of themselves as brave. All the other rats thought of them as stupid.

There were big rats. No one fooled with them. These ones were in the zoo. Never catch a rat in a zoo except the crazy ones. The other rats would go there at night to watch them in with the lions,tigers and leopards. The rats would scurry around, dodging the wild ones. After a while, the big cats would corner them. Then came the real show.

The rats were having a party and slept and partied some more. They didn’t notice that the ship had begun to move. When they went up to go ashore they discovered there was no shore. They stood staring at the water and wondered where they’d end up. They hoped it was someplace with stupid cats.