Safari Sam

When Africa was still colonized, safaris were a big business. One of those businesses’ was The Lower Southeastern African Safari Company, Ltd. It was solely owned by Samuel Hyde-Green. Samuel had inherited the company at age 22 due to the early, untimely, unexpected death of his father. The senior Hyde-Green was tracking a lion at the same time the lion was tracking him. They were both in the high grass of the savanna, but the hunter was higher than the prey, except the prey was the hunter. The elder Hyde-Green thought the lion was in front of him. He was dumbfounded when the lion attacked from the rear. The surprise only lasted a moment or two. Mrs. Hyde-Green liked to tell people that, “at least he didn’t suffer.”

“Mother, Father was eaten by a lion,” Samuel said to her. Samuel had never been to Africa. Leave cool England for hot, dirty, savage, and disease-ridden Africa? He was going to forget the Company until he saw the books. The old man made a mint off this! He didn’t have to do a thing except roam around without his wife. He went to Africa to check things out. He was right. Africa was hot, smelly, dirty, savage, and disease-ridden. He had no intention of leading a safari even if he could. He wasn’t going to give up a gold mine either. He hired Bob Hester to be his man in Africa.

Hester was well-known as “Bwana Bob”. He was known in the bush and in every bar in every colonial capital he wasn’t wanted in. He had owned and lost several safari companies. He had lost a few clients, literally. His reputation wasn't that good. He was eager to take this job. The deal was made. Samuel would make the contracts and greet the parties in whatever capital they wanted, as long as the capital was one Bob was still allowed into. He’d regal them with adventure stories supplied by Bob and then leave. Bwana Bob would do the safari.

Bob would take them through the lush jungle, as the guidebooks always referred to it as. It actually was just overgrown scrub land but for what the client was paying, Bob easily convinced them it was a lush jungle. They either bought that or pretended they did. They didn't want to admit they were sickered.Then across the savannah to hunt lions, elephants, and rhinos and, Bob hoped, get back safely. Bob especially wanted to make sure he got back safely. Losing a client was embarrassing but dying of embarrassment was better than dying of lion bites or elephant stomping.

In London, Samuel Hyde-Green soon came to be known as The Great White Hunter. He wore safari clothes as much as possible. He wore them everywhere. It made dressing up easy. For formal affairs, he put clean clothes on. He told wild safari adventure stories. In the colonial administrative offices, he was known as either “Safari Sam” or “Safari Sam, Har, Har, Har”.

Samuel decided to take one party out himself, the Townsend party. Just this one time to see what it was really like. Bwana Bob told him it was a bad idea. Why anyone would do it was beyond Bob. He only did it because he didn’t know how to do anything else that was legal. What he did was barely legal as it was. Spending time in a hot, smelly, savage, disease-ridden countryside when you could be scooping up women in cool England made no sense to Bob.

Jimmy was the head native tracker. He came from one of the villages ruined by the white man's diseases. The other natives respected Jimmy. They did that after he ate a live snake and didn’t die. He had ju-ju. Jimmy was in charge of the bearers and trackers and got half the kickbacks from the suppliers. In later years, he would help lead his country to independence. He would be elected President-For-Life. His term lasted 21 days until his brother got home and shot him.

On the third day out, Bwana Bob told Safari Sam there were elephants in the area. Samuel hadn’t seen any or heard any, so he questioned Bob about this.

“Are you positive about that, old man? Sam asked.

Bwana Bob told him, “Look at what you're standing in. If it isn’t elephants, then the dinosaurs are back.”

“My God, man, why didn’t you warn me?” Samuel yelled.

“Figured you’d notice,” Bob casually told him.

Back at the camp, Safari Sam told Jimmy, “You. Tell white man and white man woman, many elephants. Many. We hunt. You tell.”

Jimmy replied, “Umgahwa.”

“Bob, what does ‘umgahwa’ mean. He says that every time I say anything to him,”,Sam asked.

“Don't know,”Bob lied. It meant that the white man was a snobbish useless fool.

“Well, be that as it may I don’t want an elephant sneaking up on me the way that lion sneaked up on Father. You keep out a good eye.”

Yea, Bwana Bob thought. Have to look real hard not to see an elephant.

The next morning Samuel, the Town sends, the gun bearers, and Jimmy set off to hunt elephants. Bwana Bob stayed behind. Safari Sam wanted all the credit. Bwana Bob wanted to drink beer even if it was warm. He drank it all morning. He’d drink one while sweating the last one out. Bwana Bob couldn’t get ahead of the sweat.

It was late afternoon when the party returned, minus Safari Sam. The Townsend looked shattered. The gun-bearers looked for beer. Jimmy walked over to Bob to tell him what happened. He was carrying Sam’s hat, one shoe, and his rifle.

“We found the elephants. Sam got all excited. He made a big deal out of it as if an elephant was hard to track. He told the Town sends that he’d go ahead and set up the best spot for the shoot. I told him I’d go with him, but he said he’d go alone. I told him that wasn’t prudent. He told me to remember that he was a white man, the Great White Hunter, and I was just a native,” Jimmy told Bob.

“So? Where is he? Prudent? That's a pretty big word there, Jimmy. Well, we can’t just leave him out there! We hav-”

“Bob, Safari Sam isn’t going to be found, if that's what you're thinking. He apparently was sneaking up on an elephant at the same time a pride of lions was. Probably some lame, old cow. From the looks of things, Sam and the lions got to a spot at the same time. I heard one shot. When I got there, I found his hat, one shoe, and his rifle. I think ye got one shot off, but maybe a lion took it away from him, shot him and ate him. I guess it’s like father, like son”, Jimmy told Bwana Bob.

“Dibs on the rifle, then.”